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Garden hose advertisement from May 1897.



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From March 1925.



Unfunny joke only thing holding friendship together; interview with Gallagher, prop comic; also extinct: dinosaurs, which scientists now believe to be colorful; the “primordial soup” theory is so over

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From February 1909.



Americans simply must have free news free all the time without ever paying anything for it ever; it’s true–ask Harper’s web editor, Paul Ford: “sometimes people say YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST WEBSITE IN STUPIDTOWN BECAUSE I WANT EVERYTHING FREE RIGHT NOW!”; of course, no one should ever ask for the most important development in the history of human technology for free; that would be wrong; and good God, agreement with George Packer? That’s really wrong.

Ranking the country’s seven worst political ads begs the question: are any of them good? Or should Obama just ask everyone: how’m I doing?? If the labor market is “reawakening”, the answer must be bad, but better

The Super Bowl, if moderately artsy film directors took over the whole shebang

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From January 1859.



When is it okay to call a Jew banker a Jew banker? (hint: during a recession); when is it okay for a writer to tell another writer “you suck and so does your writing?” (hint: guess always and you’re close); when is it okay for a gay soldier to say he or she is a gay soldier? (hint: after the issue has been thoroughly “studied,” used as a campaign wedge by frightened Obama Democrats, and denounced by sexually-confused Republicans)

If you learn that sex can be so bad you would call it rape does that make you a qualitative researcher? Clearly not; but then again, if you attend a panel at Davos, it’s completely acceptable for you to have a stupid opinion on a complex issue; so how is that fair? well, nothing is, really, and it doesn’t have to be, particularly when it comes to writing contests: (Claire Messud: “Here’s the deal: men, without thinking, will almost without fail select men. And women, without thinking, will too often select men. It’s a known fact that among children, girls will happily read stories with male protagonists, but boys refuse to read stories with female protagonists.”)

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June 1912.



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From January 1923.



More by Luc Sante in Harper’s Magazine (subs)

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From March 1925.



Mark Schapiro on Fresh Air, talking about… fresh air (or more specifically, the carbon-trade economy (see his article in this month’s Harper’s [subs])

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Time Magazine critic Lev Grossman lives in fear of your Danish. Wonder how he feels about the celebratory and mainstream acceptance of fake breasts (it bothers Meghan McCain)? Or about “alpine chauvinism”? Or banning the dictionary (no naughty words)?

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From September 1958.



More from Harper’s contributor Mark Danner

Things that simply can’t be true, but may be: “Necrophiliacs behind Haiti Facebook hoax”; Anderson Cooper isn’t exactly heroic, but he’s hardly the world’s worst human being; actor Danny Glover may be every bit as stupid as Pat Robertson

Three things you (hopefully) already know about the Internet: smiling will up your chances of finding a mate; blogging about Park Slope in the Times is a dangerous business; and Dallas Maverick’s owner, Mark Cuban is smarter than you might think

Is there any value in being the search engine for “food lovers?” And why would anyone want to grow pork in a laboratory? Because when you’re really serious about killing, you boil your victims in lye and then stew them with hominy

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November 1917.



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From October 1920.



Another Interview with Chesnutt, published shortly before his death (“People say that Bill Clinton is a good politician. Dick Cheney creams that motherfucker. Just creams that motherfucker.”) and related MP3: Chesnutt song about Cheney; unrelated MP3: Groove Armada featuring Bryan Ferry

Taco Bell founder Glen W. Bell Jr., subject of the biography Taco Titan (Recipe for Success #33: “One good franchisee will attract others”), shuffles off the beefy 5-layer burrito we call Earth, predeceased by stroke victim, euthanasia recipient, and crematee Gidget “T.B.C.” Chipperton; in response the Taco Bell website features, on black background, a tasteful memorial Fire Sauce packet that is “filled with sadness” (and with potassium sorbate and sodium benzoate, preservatives used to protect quality). Apparently, death means never having to say you’re sorry.

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From January 1966.



Also by Harper’s contributor Jeremy Miller, please see: Tyranny of the Test: One year as a Kaplan coach in the public schools” (free)

Important questions about nothing: who owns the grammar?; at what age should parents stop drinking in bars with their babies? (proposed answer: 21); when is it okay to wear fatigues to work? (answer: not anymore)

New York is so safe that we now must consider “how does a young gangbanger represent?; well, he (or she) could try to kill the pope, get out of prison, and declare himself “Christ Eternal”; or, he could be arrested for tweeting a joke-threat to blow up an airport

Refreshingly honest: Tobey Maguire on weight loss: “I couldn’t eat much food and I had to work out a lot”; honest, perhaps, but not so refreshing: Lisa Taddeo on Jay-z: “Look up, left, and listen. Jay-Z’s vamping scowl is paraded everywhere, his presence vibrates from sound systems and is woven into the fabrics.”; not honest, not refreshing: Rush Limbaugh on Haiti relief: “Nobody here ever said don’t donate. We just pointed out you already contribute to the government with your income taxes.”

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From October 1913.



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From January 1913.

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From November 1968.



Also from Harper’s contributing editor Tom Bissell: robot deer, comets, vanity publishing, and more (free and subs)

Soviet-era kids’ books are great; the American ones? less so; the Japanese ones may be the worst; no, Everyone Poops is the worst; this despite hipster efforts to subvert (or celebrate) its badness

Reactions to Sarah Palin as TV personality: good, great, her “analysis holds no weight”; plus other amusing thoughts from the American Right: racially motivated political correctness “alive and well” at Duke; Americans hate each other even (particularly) when they are poor; Michelle Obama is a fake–those Iron Chef sweet potatoes were plants!

Go, Junior Gotti, and sin no more; and you, too, crazy right wing Christians; except for Pat Robertson, whose views on Haiti are essential

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From May 1965.



No army has a killer dolphin: sadly, it is an urban legend, much like these photos of people dying horribly on an airplane, or the myth of protesters spitting on returning Vietnam vets–please see “Stabbed in the Back!” by Harper’s contributing editor Kevin Baker (free)

The cuddler strikes in D.C. (he’s not adorable); and neither are these ironically-captioned photos of cute animals; example: photo of ferret in a frying pan with the following caption: “Dissatisfied ferrets resort to Jewish guilt”

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From September 1963.



A Harper’s Magazine history of whitewash: John T. Flynn on the Pecora Commission and the Depression, circa 1934: “The Marines Land in Wall Street” (free PDF–and highly recommended); Christopher Hitchens on closeted Republican conservatives, circa 1987: “It Dares not Speak Its Name: Fear and self-loathing on the gay right” (subs); and free: Benjamin DeMott on terrorism and 9/11, circa 2004: Whitewash as public service: How the 9/11 Commission Report defrauds the nation”; and the Harper’s Index searchable archive, for all statistics on “corruption”

What legitimate army doesn’t have robot warriors (forty countries do); what you’re really looking for are armed dolphins trained to kill; in comparison, the suitcase bomb seems tawdry

Who cares about Jay Leno in exile?; perhaps the same folks who concern themselves with the perfectly executed media confession?; or about what anonymous Facebook employees have to say?

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From May 1913.



While it may be true that only fools rush into Yemen; it seems grafting a cellphone to your forehead was a good idea after all; but, that said, why take a chance on fugu?

Design of world’s first “sex robot” laudably focused on “appealing to the mind”; meanwhile, back at the office, it seems that women act differently at work than men because they are different than men at work; show of hands: who wants to be embalmed?

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From April 1913.



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From February 1879.



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Complete Archive

February 2010

CONNING THE CLIMATE
Inside the Carbon-Trading Shell Game
By Mark Schapiro

LONELY HEARTS CLUB
A Star-Crossed Obsession with As The World Turns
By Darryl Pinckney

ONCE AN EMPIRE A story by Rivka Galchen

THE MENDACITY OF HOPE
By Roger D. Hodge

Also: Wyatt Mason and John Berger