Hope I'm being a help to you

march 6, 2008, 2:16 p.m.

william melchert-dinkel: About eight months ago, I started looking for methods to let go with, and I know what does and doesn’t work. So that’s why I chose hanging. I’ve tried it to see if it hurt and how fast it worked, and it was not a bad experience.

nadia kajouji: So when are you going to catch the bus? I would like to soon. I am planning to attempt this Sunday.

melchert-dinkel: Wow. You want to use hanging too?

kajouji: I’m going to jump.

melchert-dinkel: Well, that’s okay, but most people puss out before doing that. Plus, they don’t wanna leave a terribly messy mess for others to clean up.

kajouji: I want it to look like an accident. There’s a bridge over the river where there’s a break in the ice. The water is really rough right now, and it should carry me back under the ice, so I can’t really come up for air. And if drowning doesn’t get me, hopefully the hypothermia will. Is there anything you want to do before you go? I’m trying to get my affairs in order—cleaning my room, paying off my loan.

melchert-dinkel: I’ve got everything ready to go. My mom will get my insurance and money, so there will be no worries there. I’ve got my funeral shit all taken care of. Got rope and stuff ready. Do you have a webcam?

kajouji: Yes.

melchert-dinkel: Well, if it comes down to hanging, I can help you with it with the cam. Proper positioning of the rope is important.

kajouji: Thank you.

melchert-dinkel: That method is so fast and certain, I can’t think of another way for me. I don’t want to feel nothing.

kajouji: Who do you think will find you?

melchert-dinkel: My mom calls or comes each day, so if I don’t answer, she’ll come and find me. She knows I’m quite depressed. I hope I’m being a help to you.

kajouji: Yes. It’s a big relief to be able to talk to someone about it.

melchert-dinkel: Cool. I’m not trying to tell you how to do it. Just my experiences and opinions, that’s all.

kajouji: I understand. We want what’s best for each other.

melchert-dinkel: Yes, very much so. I don’t want you to fail ever! And end up messed up.

kajouji: That would be the worst.

melchert-dinkel: Oh, my God, yes. I see that happen a lot.

kajouji: What sort of stuff have you seen?

melchert-dinkel: I’m not trying to scare you. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve seen tons of failed overdoses and bad wrist cuttings and some failed jumpers and many gunshots that didn’t work. In seven years, I’ve never seen a failed hanging. That’s why I chose that.

kajouji: It’s gotten bad for me since the holidays. I’ve not gotten out of it for a long time.

melchert-dinkel: Would die today if we could, but I will wait and see how it goes for you.

kajouji: That is very kind of you. Thank you.

melchert-dinkel: You’re welcome. Do you have something to use for hanging if you choose to do that with me?

kajouji: No, I would have to go buy it.

melchert-dinkel: Okay, that isn’t hard to get. Just getting the knot/noose position needs a little help. Which I can do if we get there. You okay? This is a lot to think about.

kajouji: Yeah, it feels good to be honest with someone instead of having to pretend I’m okay and make excuses. Are you going to write a note?

melchert-dinkel: No, my family knows why. It won’t make things any better if I write notes. I want to be found in decent shape, so I can be viewed by my coworkers and friends. That is fair to them.

kajouji: That’s true. Drowned bodies are pretty gruesome-looking, aren’t they? They get all bloated and discolored?

melchert-dinkel: Yes, terrible, to be honest.

kajouji: My parents don’t live in this city, so how will that work? My family lives about a six-hour drive away.

melchert-dinkel: If they find you in the river, they will have to identify you somehow. That can take time for sure. Then they have to find your parents, who have to come identify you—more time. So most likely no viewing due to time and trauma. If you are carried away in the river current, they may never find you. You would be a missing person. That’s why I’m keeping everything here at home. Easy for my mom.

kajouji: I’m sure they’ll find me because I’m not jumping in the actual river. I’m jumping in the canal. It won’t take me too far. I guess I should have my wallet in a zippered pocket so I have some I.D. on me.

melchert-dinkel: Um, yeah. I will be here starting about 8:00 a.m. on Monday, if you need me. If you are still here (I hope not, for your sake), then try to come on early so we can do it if you want to.

kajouji: Okay, what sort of rope will I need?

melchert-dinkel: Get a yellow nylon rope, about eight feet. That is all you need. And look around your apartment for somewhere to hang from. I can help you with the cam when you need to.

march 9, 6:56 p.m.

melchert-dinkel: How are you doing?

kajouji: I’m good. I’m glad things are going to end tonight.

melchert-dinkel: So you think you’ll be all done tonight?

kajouji: Yup, for sure. I’ve got all my affairs in order. I’m feeling confident.

melchert-dinkel: I think tomorrow will be it.

kajouji: Well, you will not be alone.

melchert-dinkel: I know.

kajouji: I want to go now, but there are too many people up and about. I’m going to have to wait a couple of hours.

melchert-dinkel: I wish we could have done it together, but I understand why. Did you get rope in case you need a backup plan?

kajouji: No. There is a store close by if I need to.