Weekly Review

By Theodore Ross

Iraq held its first National Sovereignty Day in honor of the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraqi cities. A celebration was held with poets and singers in Baghdad's al-Zawraa park and former Vice President Dick Cheney said that he was worried that the withdrawal would “waste all the tremendous sacrifice that has gotten us to this point.” Two hundred Iraqis were killed or wounded in the last ten days of June.^{1 2} A federal court judge in New York City sentenced Bernard Madoff to 150 years in prison, calling Madoff “extraordinarily evil” and noting that none of the financier's family members, friends, or associates had pleaded for leniency on his behalf. ³ Honduran President Manuel Zelaya was exiled to Costa Rica by the military as part of a coup d'etat under the direction of the Honduran Supreme Court; he was replaced by Roberto Michelletti, who took power in what he called “an absolutely legal transition process.”⁴ Steve Jobs returned to Apple with a new liver.⁵ Google CEO Eric Schmidt said that attempts by governments to censor the Internet were futile, and that governments censored “at their own peril.”⁶ The New York Times revealed that, for seven months, it had sought to keep news of the kidnapping of one of its reporters by the Taliban out of the media, and had worked closely with Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales to suppress news of the kidnapping.⁷ Spanish fertility researchers advised professional cyclists to freeze their sperm,⁸ and the sheriff of Los Angeles County was considering whether to distribute condoms to all L.A. jail inmates, rather than just the gay ones. ⁹

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, after going missing for a week, returned home and announced that, instead of hiking the Appalachian Trail, he had actually been in Buenos Aires, where he had a girlfriend, to whom he once wrote in an email: “Sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips.” Sanford justified his continuing role as the state's executive by noting that Biblical philanderer King David didn't resign.^{10 11} Papal archaeologists in Rome authenticated the bones of Saint Paul the Apostle,¹² and a new cell-phone ring tone that features Philip Roth's “Jewish shouting” was growing popular among the literary-minded.¹³ Born-again Christians, dispensing Bibles, were arrested at a Gay Pride festival in Minneapolis;¹⁴ a parishioner at Our Lady of Hope Catholic Church in Carle Place, New York, was arrested for stealing cash from another worshipper during a Sunday service;¹⁵ and an Australian ewe gave birth to a five-legged, six-footed baby lamb. ¹⁶ The U.S. government was working to protect ugly animals from extinction.¹⁷ Colorado officials legalized rainwater.¹⁸ Toyota unveiled a wheelchair steering system that can be directly controlled by a human brain.¹⁹

The Guardian Council of Iran announced that its partial recount of the recent presidential election showed “no major irregularities.” A spokesman for the Council stated that the “results were positive.”²⁰ Tasmanian wallabies were eating opium poppies, getting high, and running around, causing crop circles.²¹ Scientists at Stanford University succeeded in “infecting” mice with a virus that made them highly sensitive to light,²² and actress Farrah Fawcett died, as did entertainer Michael Jackson and noted TV pitchman Billy Mays, spokesman for OxiClean and Kaboom, a cleaner that “put the power back in your shower.”^{23 24 25} Russia refused to cooperate in a lawsuit brought by Hasidic Jews claiming rights over sacred documents that were seized by the Nazis and are currently held in the Russian State Library.²⁶ A new “Indiana Jones” movie was in development.²⁷ The U.S. Supreme Court determined “reverse discrimination” to be unconstitutional, thereby permitting the fire department of the city of New Haven, Connecticut, to promote more white men to positions of authority.²⁸ A Tennessee man was charged with sexual exploitation for Photoshopping the faces of little girls (two local girls, and Miley Cyrus) onto the bodies of nude adult women,²⁹ and a child porn stash was found in the sewer drain of a public bathroom in Saginaw, Michigan, but the images were too damaged by fecal matter for authorities to use in an investigation.³⁰ Cosmetic nipple surgery was on the rise in England,³¹ seagulls off Argentina were attacking whales and eating their skin,³² and Latvians, asked to provide collateral for loans of up to 500 lats, were offering their eternal souls (must be previously unmortgaged).³³