Weekly Review

By Theodore Ross

President Barack Obama announced new military policies for Pakistan and Afghanistan, reserving, as had George W. Bush, the right to attack the tribal areas of Pakistan, but adding that the United States would create “opportunity zones” for investment in the areas of Pakistan most likely to be shelled. Obama also ordered that 4,000 U.S. military trainers be used to develop a 134,000-man national army in Afghanistan to combat the “uncompromising core of the Taliban.”¹ The Defense Department announced that the phrase “Global War on Terror” had been changed to “Overseas Contingency Operation,”² and Obama held his second prime-time press conference as president. Reporters covering the event for the major national newspapers noted that, as at the first conference, he declined to take questions from reporters for the major national newspapers. ³ Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called his far-right coalition government a “partnership of peace,”⁴ and European Union President Mirek Topolanek said the American international stimulus plan was “a way to hell.”⁵ The bishop of South Bend, Indiana, announced he would boycott Notre Dame University's graduation ceremony to protest President Obama's “unwillingness to hold human life as sacred,”⁶ and the postmaster general of the United States predicted financial losses of “historic proportions” for the mail service.⁷ Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank called Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia a homophobe,⁸ and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton blamed an “insatiable demand for illegal drugs” in the United States for the surge in narcotics-trafficking-related violence in Mexico.⁹ FBI Director Robert Mueller testified before Congress that the Patriot Act helped to eliminate “an awful lot of paperwork.” ¹⁰ A “competent organ” in North Korea was investigating whether or not two detained female American journalists were spies,¹¹ the Senate Judiciary Committee deliberated on the process used to select a collegiate national football champion,¹² and President Obama apparently took no steps to prevent his aunt from being deported to Kenya.¹³

The White House issued a “do-or-die ultimatum” to the U.S. auto industry, offering American carmakers “a limited period of time to work with creditors, unions and other stakeholders to fundamentally restructure...[and to] produce plans that would give the American people confidence in their long-term prospects for success.” ¹⁴ Fourteen thousand retirement-age General Motors workers rejected buyout packages worth as much as $45,000 from the corporation. More than 7,000 employees accepted the offers. “At this point, the people who are accepting buyouts have turned them down before,” said Gary Chiason, an industrial-relations professor at Clark University. “So something has shaken them loose. These are really the saddest decisions of all because they know they could have taken a buyout before on better terms.”¹⁵ Seven U.S. states were found to have unemployment rates above ten percent.¹⁶ State prison systems were releasing convicted criminals to offset budget shortfalls,¹⁷ and Hoovervilles were rising in Fresno.¹⁸ Financially strapped American families were going camping,¹⁹ while American men, troubled by the economic crisis, were undergoing vasectomies.²⁰ A sperm bank in California was running a sale on “select” sperm of which they have a “huge inventory,”²¹ and George Soros said that he was “having a very good crisis.” ²² Researchers at Johns Hopkins University concluded that male circumcisions help prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases,²³ and the U.S. Centers for Disease Control released a report on the safety hazards posed to American households by recumbent pets. Epidemiologist Judy Stevens, one of the authors of the report, stated that “while pets have many benefits, health-wise and emotionally, they can also be a fall hazard.”²⁴

British scientists delivered electric shocks to hermit crabs to see if they were able to feel and remember pain, and determined that they could.²⁵ Federal officials blamed American spelunkers for the spread of “white nose syndrome,” a disease that has killed as many as 500,000 bats,²⁶ and German researchers found that head lice are easier to locate in wet hair than dry.²⁷ Brazilian President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva claimed that he did not know of any “black or indigenous bankers,”²⁸ and reality-show star Kim Kardashian confirmed the presence of cellulite deposits in her thighs. “I have cellulite,” she admitted. “What curvy girl doesn't?”²⁹ Illinois governor Pat Quinn said that Rod Blagojevich was “yesterday's tomatoes.”³⁰ Earthquake swarms rumbled beneath the Salton Sea,³¹ and Malawian welfare officials confirmed that Madonna would be allowed to remove another child from their country.³² On the Indonesian island of Loh Sriaya, Komodo dragons attacked and killed Muhamad Anwar, a 32-year-old fisherman who had come to steal their sugar apples.³³