Weekly Review

By Genevieve Smith

A Christian martyr.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell 777 points in one day after the House of Representatives failed to pass a Wall Street bailout plan, first put forth by President George W. Bush, that would have granted Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson up to $700 billion to buy, at any price, toxic mortgage-backed assets from financial firms. “It's not based on any particular data point,” said a Treasury spokeswoman of the $700 billion figure. “We just wanted to choose a really large number.”^{1 2 3} Senator John McCain announced that fixing the economy was more important than politicking, suspended his campaign, and attempted without success to postpone his first debate with Senator Barack Obama, although he continued to run campaign advertisements, including one that declared him the winner of the debate, and appeared on CBS with Katie Couric. McCain then joined congressional leaders, including Obama, at the White House to discuss the stimulus package. “I didn't see any sign,” said Representative Barney Frank, “of our Republican colleagues paying any attention to him whatsoever.” “All he has done,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of McCain, “is stand in front of the cameras.”^{4 5 6 7 8} “He was my dear,” said former Brazilian beauty queen Maria Garcinda Teixeira de Jesus, 77, who had a tryst with McCain in 1957, “and my coconut dessert.”⁹ “If money isn't loosened up,” said President Bush of the U.S. economy, “this sucker could go down.”¹⁰

Somali pirates lowered from $35 million to $20 million their ransom demands for a captured Ukrainian ship carrying 33 Russian tanks and various munitions.¹¹ Russian officials sought to ban South Park, The Simpsons, and Family Guy from television, and sent a fleet of warships, including nuclear-powered guided-missile cruiser “Peter the Great,” to Venezuela to participate in military exercises.^{12 13} The military government of Myanmar freed 9,002 prisoners, including the country's longest-serving political prisoner, journalist Win Tin,¹⁴ and Guantanamo Bay prosecutor Army Lt. Col. Darrel Vandeveld resigned after his superiors failed to turn over evidence to a detainee's lawyers. “I am highly concerned,” he said, “about the slipshod, uncertain 'procedure' for affording defense counsel discovery.”¹⁵ In India, a mob of recently dismissed workers at an auto-parts manufacturer beat their boss to death. “This is by no means,” said an executive at the parent company, “a regular labor conflict.”¹⁶ Kenyan Prime Minister Raila Odinga admitted to being circumcised, ¹⁷ a man flew across the English Channel using a homemade jet-propelled wing,¹⁸ and Chinese astronauts conducted the country's first-ever spacewalk. “After the Olympics, it's the most exciting thing that enhances our national pride and dignity this year,” said He Haihong, a Beijing sales manager.¹⁹ Two British archaeologists claimed to have solved the mystery of Stonehenge, putting forth a theory that the stones had healing properties,²⁰ and geologists found that Iran is sinking. ²¹

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the Republican candidate for vice president, visited New York City and met with world leaders from Afghanistan, Iraq, and Colombia, as well as Henry Kissinger and Bono, and agreed to speak to the press. “It was great,” she said.^{22 23} Paul Newman died.²⁴ A flock of wild turkeys terrorized a town in Oregon;²⁵ a large pig, the size of a “Shetland pony,” held an Australian woman hostage in her home;²⁶ and a man in Kentucky sued his doctor after his penis was amputated during a circumcision.²⁷ A dog in Alabama brought home a child's foot.²⁸ A Colorado teenager was arrested for attempting to kill his mother, with plans to use her money to buy breast implants for his girlfriend,²⁹ and Louisiana State Representative John LeBruzzo suggested offering poor women $1,000 to get their tubes tied. ³⁰ Fraternity members at Arizona State University caused a traffic accident by vomiting milk onto passing cars,³¹ and someone at George Fox University, a Christian college in Oregon, lynched Barack Obama in effigy.³² A Jewish temple in Dothan, Alabama, offered $50,000 to Jewish families who move to the town,³³ and researchers in New York City announced that white flight had reversed for the first time in fifty years, with more than 100,000 white people introduced to the city's rolls since 2000.³⁴ Congress lifted a 26-year ban on offshore drilling,³⁵ scientists hunted for crops that could withstand climate change,³⁶ and starving polar bears were eating each other.³⁷ Researchers found that 55 percent of U.S. citizens believe they have been helped by a guardian angel. “Americans,” said one scholar of religion, “live in an enchanted world.”³⁸