Weekly Review

By Claire Gutierrez

An American cattleman.

Pope Benedict XVI toured the United States. Kathleen Battle, Harry Connick Jr., and Kelly Clarkson serenaded him, President George W. Bush gave him a crystal cross and a birthday cake, Placido Domingo threw him a birthday party (but forgot to invite him), Jews welcomed him into a Manhattan synagogue, and fans at Yankee stadium performed the wave in his honor. Three Girl Scouts fainted in his presence. The Senate and the House took half a day off so that more than 100 members of Congress, including House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader John Boehner, and Senator Edward Kennedy, could take a bus to Nationals Park, in Washington, D.C., to hear the Pope deliver Mass. Baker Liturgical Art, LLC, the Connecticut-based clothing company hired by the Vatican, revealed that more than 150 artisans (including 50 seamstresses), and 1,500 yards of fabric were necessary to outfit the Pope and his entourage in new vestments for their 6-day stint in the United States. Brian Baker, the company's president, also created a one-size-fits-all flex-miter for the occasion. The Pope turned 81, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens turned 88, and 75-year-old Democratic Representative John Murtha said that 71-year-old John McCain is too old to be president. “Let me tell you something,” said Murtha. “It's no old man's job.” Christie's was unable to sell the skeleton of a 65-million-year-old, 25-foot-long triceratops.

Suicide bombers struck in Gaza, Afghanistan, and Iraq. “We are seeing the globalization of suicide bombs,” said Mohammed Hafez, a professor at the Naval Postgraduate School; U.S. officials revealed that suicide bombing was on the rise, with more than 658 attacks worldwide last year, double the number in any of the past 25 years. Iraqi police were cracking down on drivers who neglect to wear their seatbelts. “It is a symbol of civilization,” said Ahmed Wahayid, a taxi driver. “Western people in Europe and America have it.” Ohio Governor Ted Strickland signed into law a bill that allows disabled hunters to shoot from their cars. Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean told superdelegates that they had to decide between Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton “starting now.” Bruce Springsteen endorsed Obama. Zodiac Vodka announced that Obama, a Leo, will defeat Clinton, a Scorpio, in the race for the Democratic nomination. “Leo has never lost to a Scorpio,” said the company. “Scorpio, however, has lost to 11 of the 12 signs.” A German TV station aired segments from recently discovered top-secret Stasi porno movies with names like Private Werner's Big Surprise and Fucking for the Fatherland. “I didn't recognize myself,” said a former actor/soldier. “Neither did my wife, thank God.” President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown met and discussed the “special relationship” between the United States and the United Kingdom. “If it wasn't a personal relationship,” said Bush, “I wouldn't be inviting the man to a nice hamburger or something. Well done, I might add.” A new study revealed that forgoing beef at least once a week could drastically curb greenhouse gas emissions.

A Yale art major convinced the press that her senior thesis project chronicled the nine months she spent artificially inseminating herself “as often as possible” and then repeatedly inducing abortions; a Yale spokeswoman said that the artist's claims were false and that the project was “performance art.” Argentines were upset about a recent episode of “The Simpsons” in which Homer's friends praised “military dictator” Juan Peron for successfully disappearing people and for his lovely wife, “Madonna.” “This type of program causes great harm,” said former congressman Lorenzo Pepe. “That part about Madonna--that was too much.” Astronomers watched baby stars being spawned in galaxy M83, more than 15 million light-years away; a NASA spacecraft captured images of solar burps spewing from the Sun and ripping the tail off a passing comet; scientists built a tiny operating table in order to perform laser nanosurgery on a one millimeter worm; and researchers tinkering with the genes of female fruit flies were able to make them produce an alluring song by vibrating one of their wings, an action previously seen only in males. A woman hitchhiking from Milan to Tel Aviv dressed as a bride in order to promote world peace was raped and strangled in Turkey. “Her travels were for an artistic performance and to give a message of peace and trust,” said the artist's sister, “but not everyone deserves trust.”