Weekly Review

By Chantal Clarke

Hillary Rodham Clinton announced that she will run for President in 2008, and Barack Hussein Obama released a video on the Internet announcing that he has formed a presidential exploratory committee. It was reported that Obama had concealed that he was raised as a Muslim and had attended a madrassah as a child.^{1 2} Seventy Iraqis died and 170 were injured when two bombs exploded at a university in Baghdad. ³ The United Nations announced that 34,452 civilians were killed in Iraq last year, a number nearly three times higher than previous estimates by the Iraqi interior ministry.⁴ “I think,” said President George W. Bush, “the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.”⁵ Sex-changing chemicals were discovered in Washington, D.C.'s Potomac River.⁶ It appeared that at least six children around the world had died copying the execution of Saddam Hussein,. ⁷ and two of Saddam Hussein's top aides, Barzan al-Tikriti and Awad Hamed al-Bandar, were hanged; the force of hanging decapitated al-Tikriti.⁸ Connecticut was fighting with Texas over which state invented the hamburger. “We are even the birthplace of George Bush, who wants people to think he's from Texas,” said New Haven mayor John DeStefano. “The hamburger is as much a New Haven original as President Bush.”⁹ Scientists in London were working on a gum that suppresses appetite and fights obesity. “Obese people like chewing,” explained a researcher.¹⁰ Corn prices were at a 10-year high, leading to price-gouging by corn merchants. With more corn going to U.S. ethanol plants, the president of Mexico signed an accord with Mexican supermarket chains and bakers to cap tortilla prices.^{11 12} A freeze destroyed as much as 75 percent of California's citrus crop. “We may have to do without guacamole for a while,” said a Pasadena resident. “And we may be drinking our Coronas without limes.”¹³ Zookeepers in Thailand put their male panda on a diet. “Chuang Chuang is gaining weight too fast,” said a zookeeper, “and we found Lin Hui is no longer comfortable with having sex with him.”¹⁴

An Israeli couple won the right to artificially inseminate a volunteer with sperm they had harvested from their son after his death in 2002. “It's a dream come true,” said their lawyer, Irit Rosenblum.¹⁵ In England, Louise Brown, the world's first test-tube baby, gave birth to a naturally conceived child,¹⁶ and in the United States a boy was born from an embryo rescued from a fertility clinic flooded during Hurricane Katrina.¹⁷ Researchers found that the majority of women in the United States are living without a spouse,¹⁸ and women in Canada were joining professional pillow-fighting leagues.¹⁹ Female tsunami survivors in India were selling their kidneys,²⁰ and an Illinois man rode a stationary bike for 85 hours, setting a new world record.²¹ Europeans were traveling to Bulgaria to purchase Boza beer, which allegedly increases bust size. “I've bought a case for my wife to try out,” said one Romanian man. “I really hope I see an improvement.”²² Starbucks announced plans to convert to using only growth-hormone-free dairy products.²³ The coffee chain was challenged by a Chinese state TV personality, who claimed that its presence in Beijing's Forbidden City “trampled over Chinese culture.”²⁴ Six Honduran men were crushed to death by giant bags of coffee beans.²⁵

In New York City, a Madison Avenue antiques dealer was suing, for one million dollars, a group of homeless people who had taken up residence outside his business.²⁶ The bodies of four homeless men were found stuffed in manholes in Indiana,²⁷ and United States/South Korea trade talks came to a halt after the Koreans refused to accept shipments of U.S. beef that contained bone fragments.²⁸ A German breeder was selling giant rabbits to North Korea in the hope of relieving famine.²⁹ After a teacher at a nearby school complained, a Florida Hooters removed a sign from the front of the restaurant that read “plagiarism saves time.”³⁰ Armenian-Turkish journalist Hrant Dink, who wrote extensively about the Armenian genocide, was shot dead outside his office in Istanbul,³¹ and columnist Art Buchwald died at the age of 81.³² The United Arab Emirates beat out the United States to become the world's most wasteful country,³³ and McDonald's opened its first drive-thru window in China.³⁴ Storms killed 65 people in the United States and 43 people in Europe,^{35 36} and a trojan “Storm Worm” virus attacked thousands of computers around the world.³⁷ Experts warned that Lake Chad, Africa's third largest body of water, could become a pond within two decades,³⁸ drought was driving tens of thousands of snakes into Australian cities,³⁹ and members of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists moved the hands on their “doomsday clock” two minutes closer to midnight.⁴⁰