Weekly Review

By Claire Gutierrez

An American cattleman.

Robert Gates was approved by the Senate to replace Donald Rumsfeld as the new secretary of defense; senators described themselves as “very pleased,” “very impressed,” “very enthusiastic,” “very grateful,” and “very happy” with the confirmation. Rumsfeld gave an emotional farewell speech to Pentagon employees, and had to wipe his nose.^{1 2 3} President George W. Bush blamed John Bolton's departure from the U.N. on the “shallow politics” of the Senate, and Kofi Annan, who will leave the U.N. on December 31 after completing his second five-year term as secretary general, said that he and Bolton were “both graduating together.”^{4 5} Democrats in Congress announced that beginning in January members of the House would work five days a week. “Keeping us up here eats away at families,” said Rep. Jack Kingston (R., Georgia), who spends more than half his week at home. “Marriages suffer. The Democrats could care less about families--that's what this says.” The Democrats were also trying to stop smoking on the Hill, and attempting to block a $3,300 congressional raise.^{6 7 8} Harry Reid, the new Senate majority leader, gave outgoing Republican leader Bill Frist a big bear hug.⁹ The Iraq Study Group report was released. “Truth of the matter is a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody,” said President Bush. “To show you how important this one is, I read it.” When asked how Bush responded to the report's suggestions that the United States drastically alter its strategy in Iraq, panelist Lawrence Eagleburger said, “His reaction was, 'Where's my drink?'” Former Republican senator and Iraq Study Group member Alan Simpson said about Bush, “A 100-percenter is a person you don't want to be around. They have gas, ulcers, heartburn, and B.O.” ^{10 11 12 13} A plane bound for Texas made an emergency landing after a female passenger lit matches to mask the odor of her fart.¹⁴

Eleven American troops were killed on a single day in Iraq,¹⁵ and a bomb exploded in Karma, killing three Iraqi soldiers, including Staff Sergeant Saddam Hussein. “He loved his country, man. He loved it,” said an American soldier who knew Hussein. “According to his religion, he's probably with a million virgins right now. And he's probably making them virgins do dismounted patrols.”¹⁶ The U.S. Army's chief-of-staff said the Army would have to be made “well” again. ¹⁷ “What Americans are trying to figure out,” said President Bush, “is why Iraqis are killing Iraqis when you have a better future ahead.”¹⁸ Hundreds of Iraqis vied to become Saddam Hussein's hangman.¹⁹ It was reported that Deepwater, the Coast Guard's $24 billion program to modernize its fleet, was plagued by cracked hulls and engine failures. “This is the fleecing of America,” said a systems engineer.²⁰ In New York City, the World War II aircraft carrier U.S.S. Intrepid was finally pulled out of the mud.²¹ At the White House Christmas party, First Lady Laura Bush changed into another outfit after it was discovered that she and two other women were wearing the same $8,500 red Oscar de la Renta dress. According to the White House social secretary, “It was the right thing to do.”²² Augusto Pinochet died on Human Rights Day.²³

Scientists discovered that the prehistoric Dunkleosteus terrelli, the “Darth Vader of fish,” had the strongest fish bite ever and could snack on sharks.^{24 25} A Christmas party in Dublin was canceled after Gus, a camel starring in Santa's Magical Animal Kingdom Show, got drunk on Guinness and ate all the mince pies.²⁶ A forty-three-foot-tall Swedish straw Christmas goat was doused with flame-retardant chemicals so that only its hooves could be burned,²⁷ and a mother in South Carolina had her son arrested for playing with his Christmas present early.²⁸ A police officer in Tempe, Arizona, was criticized for telling two black men that they could get out of their littering tickets if they rapped. “The dangers of littering,” rapped one of the men, “you will get a ticket. If you ain't wit' it, you better be experienced.” “It's important,” said Reverend Jarrett Maupin, “for police officers to realize that black people do not speak hip-hop.”²⁹ The invention of rap was traced back to Muhammad Ali.³⁰ Several U.S. cities were complaining that they had too many churches,³¹ and a man in Tampa was selling his soul on the Internet.³² It was revealed that Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is pregnant.³³ Spam was on the rise.³⁴ Los Angeles gave the Owens River back to Inyo County, California, after diverting it for more than 93 years, ³⁵ and a fish festival in Nigeria banned fish.³⁶ Scientists suspected that water was flowing on Mars,³⁷ and NASA head Michael Griffin compared space explorers to Vikings. “Fifty years into it,” he explained, “the amount of progress that the Vikings had made would not have been that noticeable, and that's where we are in space flight today.” ³⁸ NASA announced that by 2024 it would open a space camp for astronauts at the south pole of the moon,³⁹ and astronomers watched a giant black hole eat an entire star.⁴⁰