Weekly Review

By Theodore Ross

Killing Ground.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, speaking at the United Nations in New York, proclaimed his love for all the world's peoples, and suggested that the United States halt domestic fuel production and buy its energy from him “at a fifty percent discount.”¹ Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez objected to the smell of sulfur in the U.N.'s General Assembly hall, and offered to relocate the U.N.'s headquarters to Caracas. ^{2 3} Ted Turner called the Iraq war one of the “dumbest moves of all time,”⁴ and a spokesman for the Iraq Study Group, a think tank created to analyze events in Iraq, announced that it had “made no judgment of any kind at this point about any aspect of policy with regard to Iraq.” ⁵ The judge in the trial of Saddam Hussein was removed because “he hurt the feelings of the Iraqi people.”⁶ In Afghanistan, Marine General James L. Jones claimed to have killed as many as a third of the Taliban's “hardcore” fighters, leaving only the “weekend warriors.”⁷ A British major described the Royal Air Force as “utterly, utterly useless.”⁸ In Thailand, General Sonthi Boonyaratglin staged a coup d'etat, dismissing the prime minister and revoking the constitution. “Democracy has won!” said one coup supporter.⁹ Hungarian prime minister Ferenc Gyurcsany admitted that his campaign was based on lies. “We lied in the morning,” said Gyurcsany. “We lied in the evening.”¹⁰ British Home Secretary John Reid declared that England's “fight is not with Muslims generally,”¹¹ and in Jordan, a failed suicide bomber was sentenced to be hanged.¹² Israeli tourism officials circulated a sightseeing pamphlet bearing the slogan, “Jerusalem—there's no such city!”¹³ Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniya said that Hamas would never recognize Israel. ¹⁴ Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf said it was “very rude” for former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage to threaten to bomb his country “back to the Stone Age.”¹⁵ Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah attended a rally in Beirut to commemorate the “divine and historic victory” in the war with Israel,. ¹⁶ and President George W. Bush said he now knew that the stability he believed to exist in the Middle East was a “mirage.”¹⁷

The United States Justice Department claimed Attorney General Alberto Gonzales “had his timeline mixed up” when he denied the United States had deported a Canadian citizen to Syria, where he was tortured. ¹⁸ The Food and Drug Administration announced that it had found the “smoking gun” of bacteria-infested spinach in a refrigerator in New Mexico. ¹⁹ The Federal Emergency Management Agency made final preparations to demolish the town of Elkport, Iowa,²⁰ and in Fernald, Ohio, the Environmental Protection Agency was planning to cart away 5,800 tons of contaminated soil so that a former nuclear production facility could be turned into a “natural” park.²¹ In California, accused pedophile John Karr was described by his lawyer as a “southern gentleman with a sense of humor,”²² and Virginia Senator George Allen acknowledged his Jewish ancestry.²³ The Boeing Company was awarded a congressional contract to build a 6000-mile “virtual fence” along the U.S.-Mexico border.²⁴ Fruit farmers rallied in Washington, D.C., to protest a shortage of low-wage, uninsured, illegal immigrant laborers.²⁵ In Maryland, the National Black Republican Association ran radio ads claiming that Martin Luther King was a Republican and that Democrats founded the Ku Klux Klan.²⁶ Nawar Shora of the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee said that “the average Yousef” thought of an FBI agent as a “middle-aged white guy talking in their sleeve.”²⁷ In the basement of the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld unleashed his deadly squash drop shot.²⁸

President Bush predicted that, given the opportunity, Democrats would raise taxes.²⁹ Bill and Hillary Clinton both agreed that they were “sick of Karl Rove's bullshit.”³⁰ Researchers in Massachusetts successfully gave a mouse a tan without exposing it to the sun; other scientists partially restored the sight of blind rats.³¹ A man believed to have ingested four glasses of draft beer jumped into a pen at the Beijing Zoo and bit Gu Gu, a six-year-old panda.^{32 33} Hybrid lions were dying from a mystery disease in northern India. ³⁴ The recipient of a penis transplant in Guangzhou, China, requested doctors remove the organ after he and his wife began experiencing “severe psychological problems.”³⁵ Australian researchers determined that lesbian women were 10 percent more orgasmic than their straight female counterparts.³⁶ A survey showed that rap music fans are unlikely to recycle.³⁷ Businessman Richard Branson pledged to donate $3 billion to alternative energy development,³⁸ Paris Hilton gave a homeless man $100,³⁹ and Michael Jackson was considering opening a leprechaun-themed amusement park in Ireland.⁴⁰ Television sets outnumbered people in American homes.⁴¹ Katelyn Kampf, 19, of Yarmouth, Maine, accused her parents of hog-tying and gagging her, forcing her into a car, and taking her to New York for an emergency abortion.⁴² Anousheh Ansari, a communications entrepreneur from Texas, became the world's first female Muslim space tourist.⁴³ Big box retail stores were employing anthropologists to help sell their products.⁴⁴ A poll conducted by the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery found that 46 percent of American women wanted to be surgically altered to resemble Jennifer Aniston.⁴⁵ A pedigree bull mastiff deefer from Nottingham, England, underwent emergency surgery to have two pairs of ladies' underwear removed from his small intestine,⁴⁶ and scientists announced that breakfast may not be the most important meal of the day.⁴⁷