Weekly Review

By Rafil Kroll-Zaidi

After an Israeli bombing raid killed 54 people, including 37 children, in the Lebanese village of Qana, Beirut residents set fire to a U.N. headquarters.¹ Israel agreed to suspend some bombing operations for 48 hours in order to investigate the deaths, though Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert ruled out a ceasefire.² Israeli bombs struck a U.N. post in southern Lebanon, killing four peacekeepers. U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said the targeting was “apparently deliberate,” and Olmert called Annan's comments “premature and erroneous.”^{3 4} The United Nations began relief operations.⁵ Hezbollah guerillas fired several hundred rockets into towns in northern Israel, hitting a laundry detergent factory and a cemetery, and injuring at least 31 people.⁶ Nine Israeli soldiers were killed in an ambush, and Israeli officials claimed to have killed some 200 Hezbollah “operatives” since the outset of hostilities.^{7 8 9} Lebanese were receiving late-night phone calls from the Israeli government. “I just wished I could talk back to the voice,” said one woman, “but it was a recorded message.” Hezbollah responded by sending mobile-phone text messages to dozens of Israelis. ^{10 11 12} The Israeli military deployed llamas in southern Lebanon. ^{13 14} Radical Sunni groups usually hostile to Shiites urged support for Hezbollah,¹⁵ and Iraq's prime minister, Nouri al-Maliki, condemned Israel's military actions; Howard Dean called al-Maliki an “anti-Semite.”¹⁶ Thirteen U.S. soldiers died in Iraq, where the U.S. military was planning to deploy 5,000 more troops. ¹⁷ At least 34 gunshot bodies were found in Baghdad, all showing signs of torture. ^{18 19} Shiite militia groups in Baghdad were setting up checkpoints, demanding that passersby provide identification, and shooting Sunnis on the spot. “The gangs also raided houses and shouted at the people there, 'You pimps, Sunnis, we will kill you,'” explained an eyewitness. “And they did.”^{20 21} Gunmen in Mosul set fire to government-run food-ration shops. ²² A marine sniper who has killed as many as 60 insurgents in Iraq said of his work, “It's like hearing classical music playing in my head.”²³ It was reported that Private Steven D. Green, who is charged with raping a 14-year-old Iraqi girl, then killing her and members of her family, had said that, in Iraq, “killing people is like squashing an ant, I mean, you kill somebody and it's like, 'All right, let's go get some pizza.'” ²⁴ The coach of the Iraqi national soccer team resigned and fled to Kurdistan. ²⁵ Saddam Hussein demanded that he be shot—not hanged—if he is found guilty of murdering Shiites in Dujail in 1982. “This case,” said Hussein, “is not worth the urine of an Iraqi child.”²⁶ In Minnesota people in zombie costumes were arrested for carrying “simulated weapons of mass destruction.”²⁷

Hot weather killed 141 people (as well as 25,000 cattle and 700,000 fowl) in California, at least 170 people in France, Italy, and Spain, and dozens of racing dogs in Oregon, and shut down MySpace.²⁸ Two people in England were killed by a giant inflatable sculpture named Dreamscape.^{29 30 31 32 33 34} Radiologists announced that many Americans were becoming too fat for X-rays,³⁵ and a man in Sumatra was squashed by an elephant.³⁶ Doctors in India removed a 15-year-old dead fetus from a woman's womb,³⁷ President George W. Bush apologized to British Prime Minister Tony Blair for improperly shipping bombs to Israel via Scotland,³⁸ and Britain considered legislation to establish $1,859 fines for cyber-bullying.³⁹ Baboons were harrassing construction workers in Liverpool,⁴⁰ and a school headmaster in China burned down 10 classrooms when the dog meat he was cooking burst into flames.⁴¹ An American scientist claimed that parrots are as intelligent as five-year-old children,⁴² and Georgian soldiers were injured in a battle in a gorge in Georgia, according to government official Georgy Arveladze.⁴³ It was reported that detainees at the Guantánamo Bay prison have attacked their guards with spit, feces, semen, and a bloody lizard tail.⁴⁴ Senators Hillary Clinton and John McCain held a vodka-drinking contest,⁴⁵ and in Maryland one U.S. Senate candidate said he did not knowingly pay for 20 heroin addicts to come to his campaign rally, while another was arrested for raping his 19-year-old mail-order bride. ⁴⁶ Officials in Mississippi claimed to have their beaver problem under control.^{47 48}

Geneticists were optimistic about their plans to sequence and compare the genomes of such primate species as the chimpanzee (Pan troglodytes), the rhesus macaque (Macaca mulatta), the orangutan (Pongo pygmaeus), and the gorilla (Gorilla gorilla). ⁴⁹ A Tennessee elephant named Winkie was found not to have killed her handler on purpose,⁵⁰ and a British jockey apologized for headbutting his horse.⁵¹ A large praying mantis statue was frightening children in Tokyo,⁵² poisoned pigeons rained down in Schenectady, New York,⁵³ and Texas was overrun by butterflies.⁵⁴ A man in Prey Veng province, Cambodia, killed a 76-year-old nun by strangling her with a krama, then attempted to assassinate a monk, while the victims slept at a wat.⁵⁵ An influential Italian banker and member of Opus Dei was found dismembered under a bridge in Parma,⁵⁶ and Mel Gibson was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. “Are you a Jew?” Gibson is reported to have asked a sheriff's deputy. “What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?” he demanded of a female sergeant.⁵⁷ Chinese scientists were preparing to test an artificial sun.⁵⁸ Lubbock, Texas, prayed for rain,⁵⁹ and fish fell from the sky in Manna, India.⁶⁰