Weekly Review

By Theodore Ross

Lost Souls in Hell, 1875.

Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki of Iraq unveiled a 24-point national reconciliation plan designed to end his nation's civil war, and in Baghdad nearly 100 people were abducted by gunmen dressed as police officers.¹ The Iraqi military recovered the bodies of two kidnapped U.S. soldiers; a spokesman said they had been “tortured in a barbaric fashion.”^{2 3} In Baghdad a car bomb detonated next to an ice cream shop, killing at least three people of indeterminate age, and insurgents beheaded two Russian diplomats and shot another.⁴ Saddam Hussein skipped a meal.^{5 6} Senator Rick Santorum insisted the United States had in fact discovered weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and Senator John McCain said the U.S. had two options there: “Withdraw and fail, or commit and succeed.” ⁷ Four men suspected of aiding a Canadian terrorist cell were arrested in London,. ^{8 9} and seven men were arrested in Florida for talking about blowing up the Sears Tower. ¹⁰ Swedish researchers announced that the Toxoplasma parasite hijacks human cells and forces them to commit suicide. ¹¹ North Korea reserved the right to test missiles capable of hitting the United States. ¹² The mother of a five-year-old Palestinian girl killed by an Israeli air strike told reporters, “If I [got] my hands on an explosive belt, I would go and explode myself inside Israel to tear the hearts out for their children.”¹³ Police from the tropical island of St. Kitts used M-16 semi-automatic rifles, batons, and a tear gas launcher to apprehend ten Greenpeace activists protesting an international whaling conference.¹⁴ President Chen Shui-bian of Taiwan assured a live television audience that he was neither corrupt nor incompetent.¹⁵ An Italian prosecutor said the Mafia was “down on its knees” after police arrested 45 organized criminals in Palermo, Sicily.¹⁶ French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin questioned the bravery of a fellow member of Parliament. “Cowardice! Cowardice!” Villepin shouted. “I say it again, cowardice!”¹⁷ There was a bumper coca crop in Colombia,¹⁸ and President George W. Bush said that he wanted to release all the detainees at the Guantánamo Bay Naval Station, except for the “cold-blooded killers.”¹⁹

AT&T revised its privacy guidelines, removing a stated promise not to “access, read, upload or store data contained in or derived from private files.”²⁰ The U.S. Senate voted for the ninth consecutive year to keep the minimum wage at $5.15 per hour,²¹ and House Republicans declined to renew the 1965 Voting Rights Act because it was unfair to Southerners.²² There were discrepancies between the lie detection tests of U.S. security agencies. “The CIA doesn't respect the NSA's polygraph and the NSA doesn't respect the CIA's polygraph,” said Tara Wilk, a computer engineer with Defense Department clearance.²³ Donald Rumsfeld called it “strange” that he was required to give sworn testimony to the Pentagon's inspector general about $30 billion in mismanaged government contracts.²⁴ Vice President Dick Cheney discussed his similarities to Darth Vader, and said that reporters offend him.²⁵ Hillary Clinton described Republicans as negligent, irresponsible, and similar to monkeys.^{26 27} A Canadian bear was caught stealing oatmeal,²⁸ and London's mayor cracked down on a “radical” pigeon-feeding “splinter group” in Trafalgar Square.²⁹ Congressman Steve King said Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi's heavenly reward would be 72 virgins who “all look like Helen Thomas,” the 85-year-old White House correspondent.³⁰ The Federal Aviation Administration forbade the sheriff of Los Angeles to fly his model airplanes.³¹ The Orlando City Council proposed rules to limit the feeding of homeless people,³² and State Representative Kathi-Anne Rheinstein introduced legislation that would designate Fluffernutter as the official sandwich spread of Massachusetts.³³ The Scripps Institution of Oceanography predicted that a massive earthquake will strike southern California some time in the next ten years.³⁴ The Episcopal Church elected its first female primate, Katherine Jefferts Schori,³⁵ and the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) voted to allow experimental liturgies that would permit the Holy Trinity to be evoked as Mother, Child, and Womb, or Rock, Redeemer, and Friend.^{36 37} Tom Cruise accepted a “happi” coat from the Japanese Transport Minister,³⁸ and Daryl Hannah was forcibly removed from a walnut tree in South Los Angeles.³⁹ A six-toed cat named Lewis was placed under house arrest in Fairfield, Connecticut. ⁴⁰ Angelina Jolie called her income “stupid,”⁴¹ actress Reese Witherspoon denied reports of a “baby bump,”⁴² and scientists told women who are interested in having babies to relax.⁴³ Men who undergo vasectomies were found to have increased levels of genetically abnormal sperm.⁴⁴ The Pentagon classified homosexuality as a mental defect akin to retardation.⁴⁵

Scientists announced that the Earth is surrounded by giant fizzy space bubbles; the bubbles swell to nearly 620 miles in diameter, explode, and are replaced by a cooling solar wind.⁴⁶ Researchers in Texas successfully convinced fringe-lipped bats that poisonous sympatric cane toads were edible.⁴⁷ “Nerve-friendly” cells helped partially paralyzed rats walk,⁴⁸ 25 of Britain's 4,000 beetle species were missing,⁴⁹ and the World Health Organization said that Indonesians who contracted bird flu were ignorant.⁵⁰ A federal court ruled that the penile plethysmograph, a test used to measure male arousal levels, may not be used to supervise sex offenders.⁵¹ A study by Pfizer found that most women between the ages of 25 and 74 prefer their sex partners to have hard penises,⁵² and a Rhode Island handyman won $400,000 in compensation for his ten-year erection.⁵³ Lance Corporal William Windsor, a billy goat in the British army, was demoted for “lack of decorum.”⁵⁴ The theme of the 2006 World Refugee Day was hope.⁵⁵