Weekly Review

By Paul Ford

The Senate, with Dick Cheney casting the deciding vote, cut $40 billion in funding for foster care, child support, and student loans.¹ U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice asked Congress for $50 million to support African troops in Darfur, but her request was rejected.² Americans had spent $18.48 billion on gift cards this holiday season.³ The House voted to extend the Patriot Act by five weeks.⁴ President George W. Bush called nine U.S. servicemen and servicewomen and wished them a Merry Christmas,⁵ while British Prime Minister Tony Blair visited Iraq.⁶ It was revealed that undercover police in New York City had infiltrated anti-war protests, street vigils, and pro-bicycling rallies. At one march, police provoked protesters--some of whom they later arrested--by staging a fake arrest.⁷ The FBI was spying on Greenpeace, Catholic Worker, the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee, and PETA.⁸ It was reported that the United States had, without warrants or court orders, been monitoring radiation levels at over 100 Muslim mosques, homes, businesses, and other sites in the Washington, D.C., area.⁹ It was also reported that the NSA had, with Presidential approval but without warrants, spied on much more Internet and phone traffic than was previously acknowledged. ¹⁰ Former Secretary of State Colin Powell said that there was "absolutely nothing wrong" with President Bush authorizing the NSA to eavesdrop on Americans.¹¹

A judge in Pennsylvania ruled that teaching Intelligent Design in schools violated the constitutional separation of church and state,¹² while an appeals panel in Kentucky ruled that a courthouse there could continue to display the ten commandments because they are of "historical" significance. "The First Amendment," wrote Circuit Judge Richard Suhrheinrich, "does not demand a wall of separation between church and state."¹³ The Supreme Court of Canada ruled that swingers clubs do not harm society.¹⁴ Montgomery County, Maryland, bought the original Uncle Tom's cabin.¹⁵ Workers for the New York City Mass Transit Authority went on strike for three days,¹⁶ and 4,000 London Tube workers voted to hold a 24-hour walkout on December 31.¹⁷ Investigators in New York City were trying to find out who stole Alistair Cooke's bones.¹⁸ Authorities in Vienna, Austria, determined that people dressed as devils can legally smack the rear ends of strangers on Christmas,¹⁹ and Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ordered that all western music be banned from state-controlled radio and TV stations.²⁰ In South Africa a mugger running from security guards fled into a tiger enclosure, where he was mauled to death.²¹ The United States denied Saddam Hussein's claim that he had been tortured while imprisoned. "I have been beaten on every place of my body," said Hussein, "and the signs are all over my body."²² It was discovered that bad hay had led to the deaths of 900 goats in Saskatchewan.²³

A senior member of the International Olympic Committee revealed that London probably only won the right to host the Olympics in 2012 because of a voting error.²⁴ Prebiotic organic molecules--which are found in DNA--were discovered in constellation Ophiuchus, 375 light-years from earth.²⁵ The Pope was worried that "intellectual and technical achievements" were leading to "spiritual barrenness and emptiness of heart."²⁶ A study found that good dancers are sexually attractive because they are more symmetrical.²⁷ In Hubbard, Ohio, a Santa clutched his chest and collapsed as he appeared before 750 elementary schoolchildren,²⁸ and in Warren, Michigan, a 14-year-old boy allegedly raped a 12-year-old girl in a church bathroom during a Christmas play.²⁹ In Lawrence, Kansas, three women quit their gym because there was a Christmas tree decorated with plastic fetuses in its lobby.³⁰ A Missouri woman swallowed a cell phone to keep it away from her boyfriend.³¹ New rings were found around Uranus,³² and gay marriage became legal in the U.K. Elton John married his partner David Furnish in Windsor, and two gay druids who perform in amateur pantomime productions were registered as legal partners in Wrexham.^{33 34} Scientists in Switzerland found that taking didgeridoo lessons cuts down on snoring,³⁵ while scientists in Mauritius discovered the bones of 20 dodos.³⁶ In the Isle of Wight, England, authorities were looking for Toga, a three-month-old Jackass penguin that they believe was stolen so that it could be given as a Christmas present. "Toga," said a zoo manager, "is very, very vulnerable."³⁷