Weekly Review

By Paul Ford

Lost Souls in Hell, 1875.

President George W. Bush demanded that Syria pull out of Lebanon.¹ Syria agreed to move its troops into eastern Lebanon, but the U.S. State Department warned that this is not enough.² Iraqi insurgents killed seventeen people.³ A poll found that most Americans are against Social Security reform,⁴ and the U.S. Mint planned to circulate $5 million in new buffalo nickels.⁵ A 22-pound, century-old lobster was caught off Nantucket,⁶ and a 13-pound, 13-ounce baby boy was born in Britain; the boy's mother credited the boy's size to her steady diet of cockles, herring, mussels, and crab claws, provided by her fishmonger husband.⁷ A toddler in Deer Park, Texas, drowned in a dirty swimming pool. ⁸ Nevada announced that it would cost $2 billion to pipe water from rural Nevada to Las Vegas,⁹ and the town of Hodmezovasarhely, Hungary, offered honorary citizenship to all Hungarians living abroad.¹⁰ Most Hungarian adults were found to be single.¹¹ Microsoft was developing a teddy bear with a rotating head that will watch little children,¹² and a toddler in Nebraska strangled himself with an automatic car window as his mother's boyfriend played soccer nearby.¹³ Bill Gates was knighted.¹⁴ In Bangladesh, four infants were on trial for looting, with bail set at fifty dollars per infant.¹⁵

U.N. peacekeepers killed sixty Lendu in Congo in order to protect the Hema.¹⁶ Two community colleges in California halted their student-exchange program with Spain after Spain pulled out of the Iraq war.¹⁷ A Swiss synesthete who tastes music reported that Bach is creamy;¹⁸ 50 Cent expelled The Game from G Unit. Gunfire followed.¹⁹ President Bush said that his administration granted $2 billion to social programs at churches, synagogues, and mosques in 2004--20 percent more than in 2003. The President made it clear that these programs did not discriminate based on faith. “All drunks are welcome,” he said.²⁰ The U.S. State Department released a report criticizing other countries for using torture techniques often used by the United States,²¹ and four Iraqis and four Afghans sued Donald Rumsfeld for torture.²² Italy paid the ransom for a journalist kidnapped in Iraq; U.S. forces then fired on the journalist's escape car, killing an Italian military intelligence agent and wounding the journalist.²³ At around the same time, U.S. troops accidentally shot and killed a Bulgarian soldier.²⁴ China condemned the United States' human-rights record,²⁵ and Darryl Strawberry said that baseball players who use steroids lack discipline.²⁶ U.S. scientists were working on a device that shoots pain rays up to two kilometers.²⁷ Jack Nicklaus's toddler grandson drowned in a hot tub.²⁸ A Maryland woman died after being locked in her bedroom for six years,²⁹ and Sony made a Welshman its chairman.³⁰

Scientists found that a man's boisterousness is a reflection of whether his index finger is short when compared to his ring finger.³¹ Three anonymous donors gave $3 million to resurrect the cancelled TV show “Star Trek: Enterprise,”³² and a very rich man flew solo around the world in sixty-seven hours.³³ Martha Stewart was released from prison. While incarcerated Stewart's wealth increased $700 million, and her cappuccino machine broke.³⁴ Alan Greenspan called for the United States to replace the income tax with a consumption tax.³⁵ The Department of Homeland Security required 1,700 legal immigrants to wear ankle bracelets,³⁶ and a toddler was swept away in the Rio Grande as his parents tried to cross into Texas from Mexico.³⁷ Representative Jim Gibbons of Nevada called for liberals to be used as human shields in Iraq; he later apologized for plagiarizing his remarks.³⁸ The House passed a bill that provides for special elections if more than one hundred representatives are killed.³⁹ A poll found that Americans want a Democrat to be elected president in the next election on the television show “The West Wing.”⁴⁰ Bill Clinton slept on the floor of an airplane so that George H.W. Bush could have a nice soft bed,⁴¹ and in South Africa a goat adopted a baby rhino.⁴² Archaeologists in Ethiopia unearthed several four-million-year-old skeletons believed to be ancestors of modern humans.⁴³ The president of Bolivia resigned,⁴⁴ and Niger decided not to hold a ceremony to free seven thousand slaves, because slavery does not exist in Niger.⁴⁵ The U.N. predicted that 90 million Africans will have HIV by 2025,⁴⁶ and the pope could speak again.⁴⁷ Thirty-seven percent of American Jews said that they were “often disturbed” by Israeli policy,⁴⁸ and the Israeli army denied high-level security clearance to soldiers who play Dungeons & Dragons. ⁴⁹ A U.S. government report suggested that there are more Palestinians than Israelis.⁵⁰ Britain's BAE Systems agreed to buy America's United Defense Industries, maker of the Bradley Fighting Vehicle, for $4 billion.⁵¹ The U.S. Navy was looking into whether sonar confuses dolphins, causing them to surface too quickly and get the bends.⁵² In California, a couple visiting an animal sanctuary to celebrate their pet chimp's thirty-ninth birthday were just about to cut into a birthday cake when two other chimps, presumably jealous, attacked. The chimps, Buddy and Ollie, bit off the sixty-two-year-old man's fingers, gouged out one of his eyes, ripped off his nose, hacked off a foot and parts of his lips, mutilated his buttocks, and tore off his testicles. The chimps also bit off his wife's thumb before they were shot and killed. The birthday chimp was unharmed.^{53 54 55} A pedophile marijuana grower shot and killed four Mounties, then himself, in Alberta, Canada.⁵⁶ The White House Press Office approved a press pass for a blogger,⁵⁷ and members of Congress were themselves blogging.⁵⁸ FOX News had over twice as many viewers as CNN.⁵⁹ A toddler was lost in the Alabama woods; police, firemen, and family friends searched for him in vain. Finally, he was rescued by a three-legged dog.⁶⁰