Weekly Review

By Theodore Ross and Arno Kopecky

A Christian martyr.

Time Magazine named President George W. Bush "Person of the Year" and praised him for "reframing reality to match his design."¹ Tommy Franks, George Tenet, and Paul Bremer III were awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the nation's highest civilian honor,² and Donald Rumsfeld announced that from now on he would personally sign condolence letters sent to the families of soldiers killed in action, instead of using a machine.³ Fox News hired Zell Miller.⁴ United States military officials couldn't explain the failure of the most recent missile shield test, but maintained that it was "a very good training exercise."⁵ Senator John McCain said he had no confidence in Donald Rumsfeld.⁶ Scientists discovered a new monkey species,⁷ and Muamar Qaddafi said President Bush couldn't have won the election without him.⁸ The supreme court of Kansas declared that the state's death penalty is unconstitutional but then issued a stay of its own ruling.⁹ Representative Billy Tauzin, an author of the House Medicare Drug Law, announced that he will become a lobbyist for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America.¹⁰ The Securities and Exchange Commission accused Fannie Mae of cheating on its taxes.¹¹ Pfizer admitted that Celebrex doubled the risk of heart attack in certain patients, but declined to take it off the market, ¹² and a survey found that one fifth of all FDA scientists had been pressured to recommend approval of a new drug.¹³ The DEA told the University of Massachusetts it couldn't grow marijuana on campus.¹⁴ The Trust For America's Health reported that two thirds of U.S. states were not adequately prepared for a bioterrorist attack,¹⁵ and the National Guard was offering a $15,000 enlistment bonus.¹⁶ President Bush made privatizing social security a major priority for his second term, and his daughter Jenna considered becoming a schoolteacher.¹⁷ Scientists announced that 70.6 percent of husbands are obese.¹⁸

The Iraqi Special Tribune opened hearings into the crimes of prominent former Baath government officials, most notably Hassan Al-Majeed, aka "Chemical Ali." Evidence against him included a tape on which he boasted that if any Kurd defied him, he would "blow him away, cut him open like a cucumber," and bury him with a bulldozer.¹⁹ The election season began in Iraq with 73 parties participating,²⁰ and car bombs killed more than 60 people in Najaf and Karbala.²¹ Fourteen U.S. Marines were convicted of abusing Iraqi prisoners, including one soldier who used an electronic device to make a detainee "dance."²² The United States Army decided to drive less and fly more.²³ The United Nations reported that there had been widespread smuggling of oil out of Iraq under the Coalition Provisional Authority,²⁴ the British House of Lords said the indefinite detention of foreign terrorism suspects violates EU human rights laws,²⁵ and Osama bin Laden urged Muslims to attack oil facilities in Iraq and the Persian Gulf.²⁶ Saddam Hussein met with his lawyer.²⁷ Mahmoud Abbas called for an end to political violence,²⁸ and Israeli Foreign Minister Silvan Shalom called Yasir Arafat's death "an opportunity we should not miss,"²⁹ while Palestinian militants insisted that "the blessed Intifada will continue" and an Israeli raid in Gaza left 11 dead.³⁰ The Pentagon announced it wanted to spend more time spying.³¹ The Tenth International Convention on Climate Change ended with a resolution for all parties to meet again soon,³² and General Motors sued a Chinese automaker for cloning the Chevrolet Spark.³³ Russian border guards discovered an underground "vodka pipeline" used to smuggle alcohol into Estonia,³⁴ and an Australian man nearly died after his "jug helmet," a beer-drinking device made from a hose and a power drill, malfunctioned.³⁵ Workmen discovered that U.N. headquarters in Geneva were bugged.³⁶

The prime minister of Spain accused his predecessor of erasing all computer files related to last year's Madrid terrorist bombing. "Not a single trace of any files was left behind," said one official, "zero, nothing."³⁷ Augusto Pinochet had another stroke.³⁸ A Washington State man received a three-year prison sentence for attempting to circumcise his eight-year-old son, ³⁹ and a Minnesota company was building a power plant that will be fueled primarily by turkey droppings.⁴⁰ The Australian government warned its citizens to avoid major hotels in Indonesia.⁴¹ Russia forced the Yukos oil conglomerate to auction off its largest subsidiary to a little-known company with suspected government ties in a sale that was widely interpreted as a way to punish Yukos's politically outspoken founder, Mikhail Khodorkovsky, who is currently in jail.⁴² A virtual island on the planet Calypso sold for $26,500,⁴³ and the United States forgave $4.1 billion in Iraqi debt.⁴⁴ Congressman John Conyers Jr. said he would ask the FBI to investigate "inappropriate and likely illegal election tampering" in Ohio during the presidential election,⁴⁵ and Gillette unveiled its newest product, a vibrating razor for women called "The Venus Vibrance."⁴⁶ A general from the African Union called the situation in Sudan a "bomb that could explode at any moment," as a deadline to end hostilities there was ignored.⁴⁷ Scientists estimated that ten percent of all bird species will become extinct by the end of the century, and enrollment was down at London's premier Santa school.^{48 49} Twelve million honeybees died in a Las Vegas freeway accident.⁵⁰