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An army of one

From the text of the Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training Reinforcer, a CD-ROM developed by the U.S. Army as an internal training tool in suicide prevention. The program simulates conversations between trainees and Billy Parker, a composite character based on interviews with families and friends of soldiers who have killed themselves. Program users select questions from those displayed on screen, and the program replies with one of up to nine possible responses. An average of 100 suicide interventions are conducted in the Army each day.

Question: Hi, Billy. How are things going?

Response: Well, last week I was late for training, and my commander, he's such a freakin' hard-ass, he slammed me. I'm facin' disciplinary action. It's not even fair.

Response: I had this argument with my wife, Teresa. It was stupid. Because of her stupid nagging I was late for training last week.

Question: How are things going for you and Teresa?

Response: She doesn't like it here. She wants to move back home. We argue all the time, and she's always on me for dumb stuff like smoking. Last week we had this fight. She ticked me off so bad, I put my fist through a wall. Sometimes I think she cares more about her stupid cats than me.

Response: She hates it here. She's always complainin' about it. Hell, she's always complainin' about somethin'.

Question: What were you fighting about?

Response: We were fighting about money. We always fight about money. We live in this dump in a trailer park, and we always talk about moving someplace better, but we don't have the money. Way things are goin' we won't ever have the money. I don't think we're ever gonna find a way out.

Question: Well, Billy, lots of marriages fall apart, it's not a big deal.

Response: Yeah, well, it is to me.

Question: How are things for you financially?

Response: We've been havin' some trouble with these collection companies callin'. We had a bunch a' credit cards a while back. It was a rough time, and we couldn't always make the minimum payments.

Response: Teresa's the problem. Her and the credit cards. She keeps charging dumb stuff we can't afford. Like last weekend she bought this $50 Kitty Condo. We can't even pay our bills, and she goes and buys that!

Question: What's a Kitty Condo?

Response: It's this stupid thing covered with carpet or something for the cats to climb on. I could probably make one for five bucks!

Response: It's this stupid thing the cats are supposed to scratch so they don't claw the furniture. But the cats just ignore the thing and tear up the sofa anyway!

Question: It can be tough on a military salary, can't it?

Response: Yeah. The only place we could afford to live was this trailer park, and it's a dump.

Response: Yeah. We don't have enough money to take a vacation or go anywhere. Since we got here, we haven't even been able to afford a trip back home.

Question: What's Teresa been up to?

Response: She started this new job down at the mall. I think she just wanted to get out of the house.

Response: She just took up this dumb yoga thing. If you ask me, it's a waste of time and money. But she don't listen to me.

Question: I agree with you that yoga's dumb.

Response: I just don't get it, but I've given up worrying about it.

Response: Ain't that the truth? Try tellin' her that though.

Question: What's her new job?

Response: Um . . . She's working at one of those Glamour Photos places . . . You know, where they take your picture and all.

Response: She works at this clothes store . . . I think it's called Cosmo or something like that.

Response: She works at the Stuffed Potato, you know, in the food court.

Response: She's workin' down at the ShoeMart . . . That real big shoe store in the mall.

Question: How do you feel about Teresa's new job?

Response: I don't know. I don't mind her workin' or nothin', but I kinda feel like I shoulda been able to support us, you know.

Response: It's a real pain. She's stopped cookin' and cleanin' up and goin' to the store for us and stuff like that. She says she's too busy with this job.

Question: How were things for you growing up?

Response: All right, I guess. My mom had some wacky boyfriends, but she did her best for us.

Response: Not bad. I grew up in Kentucky. Things got better after my dad left. He was a real jerk. Especially to my mom.

Question: Tell me about your parents.

Response: My dad was a loser. Couldn't ever hold down a job. Think the longest he had one was ten months. Maybe less.

Response: My mom and dad are divorced. I haven't seen my dad since I was thirteen.

Question: Billy, help me understand why you're thinking about suicide now.

Response: I don't know. I just can't seem to get my life together. There's nothin' good anymore. Things are miserable at home with Teresa. We're buried in bills. I just can't find a way out.

Response: Well . . . uh . . . I just got this thing in the mail saying we missed too many payments on the trailer. They're threatening to throw us on the street.

Question: I would never consider suicide.

Response: You're not in my circumstances though.

Question: I think suicide's a sin.

Response: Well, I'm not Catholic.

Question: You should go to church. You'd probably feel better if you did.

Response: Yeah. Okay, mom.

Response: If bein' bored for an hour is your idea of feelin' better, then maybe you're right.

Question: Okay, but I think it could really help. Why don't you think about it?

Response: Okay.

Question: How does it make you feel, thinking about suicide?

Response: Someone like you, no offense, but you wouldn't understand.

Response: It's embarrassing. People'll think I was weak or something, but they don't understand.

Response: I don't let myself think about it . . . it's too sad, which makes me feel even worse. It's like a never-ending cycle. It's all hopeless. I just want it to stop.

Question: Why does it make you feel sad?

Response: I never thought it would end like this. I always thought that I would live the American dream—you know, a house, a dog, kids . . . I wanted to prove to my dad that I could be the father that he never was. Now it's like I'm this big failure, too.

Response: I don't know. I mean, I just feel like nothing is going right. Nothing is happening the way I wanted. I just wanted more from life, you know? I wanted to go to college or something. I wanted more.

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SEE ALSO: Military life; Suicidal behavior

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