Weekly Review

By Roger D. Hodge

Congress approved a major Medicare bill that permits the elderly to buy prescription drug coverage; few citizens were able to understand the plan, though the health-care industry appeared to be well pleased by it. The legislation was endorsed by AARP, which nowadays makes a great deal of money selling health-care products to its members, and consumer advocates denounced it as "a classic election-year giveaway." Some experts predicted a revolt among the elderly once the plan takes effect in 2006 and the true costs of reform become clear.¹ Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of California proposed cutbacks in therapy for the mentally disabled and in AIDS and poverty programs.² Administration officials let it be known that President Bush has decided to back down and repeal his illegal tariffs on foreign steel in order to avoid a trade war with Europe and Japan.³ Boeing forced its chairman and CEO, Phil Condit, to resign just one week after his chief financial officer was fired for unethical conduct in the hiring of the Air Force's head of procurement.⁴ President Bush showed up in Iraq for Thanksgiving wearing an Army tracksuit; Bush stayed in the country for two and a half hours, the same amount of time spent by President Lyndon B. Johnson in Vietnam, in 1966.⁵ A poultry expert in Oregon denied that turkeys are dumb.⁶ Bird-watchers rediscovered the long-legged warbler, a bird that had been thought extinct, on Viti Levu, a Fijian island.⁷ It was revealed that the Queen of England often eats cornflakes for breakfast out of a Tupperware container and that Prince Andrew loves to play jokes on the servants, especially by hiding a puppet called Monkey in a different place every day.⁸ Prince Edward and his wife, Sophie, decided, three weeks after the premature birth of their daughter, to name her Louise Alice Elizabeth Mary Mountbatten-Windsor.⁹ Prime Minister Tony Blair had a stomach ache.¹⁰

U.S. forces fought a major battle with guerrillas in Samarra and killed up to 54 Iraqis; American officials said the casualties were members of the Fedayeen but local residents said that most were civilians who fought back in self-defense.¹¹ Seven Spanish intelligence agents were killed near Baghdad, and¹² local youths were observed kicking the bodies, dancing in the streets, and praising Saddam Hussein.¹³ Two Japanese diplomats died near Tikrit.¹⁴ Occupation officials noticed that the Iraqi guerrillas are spying on them, and¹⁵ Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez said that some U.S.-trained Iraqi policemen had carried out attacks on occupation forces.¹⁶ L. Paul Bremer, the American proconsul, declared that the situation in Iraq is getting better all the time.¹⁷ The U.S. military decided to release Captain James Yee, the Muslim chaplain, formerly assigned to Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, who was arrested three months ago and accused of being some kind of Muslim spy. Officials said that Yee might still face charges for keeping pornography on his computer and for having an extramarital affair.¹⁸ It was revealed that Neil Bush, the president's brother, has admitted to enjoying the sexual favors of strange women who simply knocked on his door while he was visiting Thailand; Bush said he didn't know whether the women were prostitutes but noted that they did not ask for money.¹⁹ Georgia's new rulers, who overthrew Eduard Shevardnadze because they were tired of living in one of the most corrupt nations on earth, began hiring their friends and relatives for important government positions.²⁰ General Tommy Franks told a cigar magazine that the United States could become a military dictatorship if terrorists ever use weapons of mass destruction.²¹ The Bush Administration approved a research project to develop low-yield bunker-busting nuclear weapons, or "mini-nukes."²² American security consultants were using Iraqi guerrillas to test nonstandard "limited-penetration" ammunition that punctures steel but shatters when it hits "soft targets" and creates untreatable wounds.²³

Advanced Digital Solutions announced that it has developed a system to use subdermal implants to make credit-card payments using radio frequency identification, or RFID. Privacy advocates were not amused: "If we establish a robust credit-card network based on RFID chips implanted under the skin," said one, "we are also creating the infrastructure for potential government surveillance."²⁴ A Wal-Mart shopper in Orange City, Florida, was trampled and knocked unconscious during a stampede at a Wal-Mart Supercenter; the stampede occurred at the 6 a.m. opening of a big sale. The victim, who was first in line, was found clutching a DVD player.²⁵ Clinical trials of an "orgasmatron" were underway in North Carolina.²⁶ The Recording Industry Association of America was seeking a permanent exemption to antitrust lawsuits.²⁷ A Ku Klux Klan member was accidentally shot in the head during an initiation ceremony in Tennessee, though the initiate, who was tied to a tree with a noose and shot with paint pellets, was unharmed.²⁸ John A. Muhammad was sentenced to die for his role in the Washington-area sniper killings, and²⁹ two 16-year-olds in Texas were arrested for plotting to kill 24 people at their high school.³⁰ Israeli customs officials confiscated 400 singing and dancing Osama bin Laden dolls as well as 50 that looked like Saddam Hussein.³¹ Astronauts on board the international space station reported hearing a weird noise, and scientists³² figured out how to make trees grow faster.³³ Researchers in Australia were preparing to test a new ultra-convenient female contraceptive spray, and³⁴ infectious-disease experts suggested that Alexander the Great died of West Nile fever.³⁵ A serial horse rapist was on the loose in Bigfork, Montana.³⁶