Bighousekeeping

From Prisoners' Inventions, written and illustrated by a California inmate known as Angelo, published by WhiteWalls in June 2002. The book documents contraptions and skills devised by prisoners using materials available to them in jail.

Picture Frames

While this very interesting form of inmate handicraft is mostly applied to the making of picture frames, and is described and spoken of as such by all inmates and staff, other decorative items are also produced by the same technique. In fact, its use appears to be limited only by the inmate's imagination.

The main material is colored paper. Most any type of chip bag can be used if it has a shiny metallic interior, though some daring and imaginative inmates also use parts of the exteriors of certain bags as decorative motifs.

For the actual construction, the paper, cellophane, or chip bags are first cut into small uniform-size rectangular shapes. These pieces are then carefully folded and combined to form long strips (or, by folding manipulations, curves or right angles or other special shapes), which are then used to form abstract decorative designs, with the subconstructions held together at key junction points by bits of carefully concealed thread.

While this hobby-craft technique lends itself to an infinite variety—and I have seen some very imaginative stuff, particularly in the area of jewelry boxes—most inmates stay with just a small simple range of picture-frame designs that are sure tested sellers.

Glossing Over

Among the maintenance supplies issued to the various offices, shops, schools, and housing units in the prison system every month are gallon containers of a high-gloss, self-shining liquid floor wax.

One of my cellies, who was into making intricate model ships from ice-cream spoons and other materials, would dilute the wax with water, adding a stain made from coffee, and use it as a finish that very much looked like a high-quality varnish or lacquer. One of the most common exotic uses is by the greeting-card makers. They carefully dab small quantities of wax on isolated parts of the finished card, giving even the poorest drawing a lift.

But the bulk of the wax used goes into spiffing up the cells. When applied in layers the wax gives even the most cracked and disgusting bare concrete floor a degree of respectability. One particularly obsessive cellie even went so far as to wax the walls and ceiling, and it really did diminish the sensation of living in a spacious sewer pipe. Another very focused individual laid a thick

layer of wax over an arrangement of playing cards laid facedown in a simple alternating pattern from the cell door to the area around the sink; the pattern and process were repeated on the top of the property locker—a really impressive job.

Cottage Cheese

When my cellie Paul found a carton of milk going sour, he would allow it to set for a while, then determine by smell the direction that particular batch was going and adjust his handling of it accordingly. For instance, milk with a very rank smell or tart taste would usually not improve much in extended aging, so once the curds and whey separated he would drain off the whey, leaving a cottage-cheese residue ready to consume. Batches of souring milk that developed a sweet smell would, with varying degrees of aging and handling, develop into a range of cheeses and yogurts, with the best being those that aged the longest. Temperature variations play a part in culture development, though controlling these variations is not really possible. Basically it's just a matter of where the batches are put to age (be they concrete, metal, or cloth) and if they are covered or not. Even the position in the cell is considered, the outside wall being the warmest area on hot days. Paul also took to passing favorite cultures into newly acquired milk to perpetuate good strains.

For the much prized yogurt cultures, the whey is always left in to become part of the treat. Also, whenever possible, Paul would add a packet of strawberry jelly, which we occasionally get in our bag lunches, to make for a really princely dish.

Bird Bathing (Or How To Fill A Toilet With Warm Water)

Generally, inmates are allowed one shower a day. Most are obsessed with washing more than that, so if they can't sneak an extra shower or two they will sponge-bathe in the cell. The sink in the cell, however, is very small, so the toilet is often pressed into service, either as a cold-water rinse or as the main basin for hot water.

To fill the toilet with warm water you must first remove the cooler water already there. There are several methods: if you have a plastic-covered pillow, put it over the opening of the toilet. Get a good seal and push hard in the center (like a plunger). It will force the water level in the toilet down. Flush the toilet and, as the outflow stops, plug the hole with a plastic-covered rag to stop the back rush of water. Bail the cold water out with a cup, or Coke can, or something.

A simple paper trough can then be used to channel hot water from the sink to the toilet, or you can transfer water with a cup or plastic bag. Note: The water that inevitably overflows onto the floor is a delight to the freaks, as they love to wash everything, especially the floor, at least a couple of times a day and will plan baths accordingly.

Pooling

This is an extreme solution to an extreme situation that I've been told of by several long-time inmates but that I've never had occasion to test. In the case of pooling, the purpose is simply to turn the cell into kind of a wading pool to beat the heat in older prisons where the air-conditioning is poor or nonexistent.

The procedure is to block off (dam up) the cell door (using clothes, plastic, etc.), then plug the cell's toilet and sink, and run both in continuous overflow until the desired depth of water in the cell is reached. Then enjoy. When you're tired of pooling, just pull the plug to get rid of the water—but do let your neighbors know it's coming, of course.

Muff Bag

This is an intriguing and kinky device brought to my cellie's attention on the yard one day by one of his many amorous admirers, who disclosed not only the design but also that he fantasized about my cellie when using it. Because of its high leakage potential, my cellie and I were reluctant to do more than test the idea in the sink with a single ply bag, but indeed its physical resemblance to the human posterior when full of water was startling.

The device is made using two 24-inch-square thin plastic wastebasket liners (a double-bag system is recommended due to the tendency of the bags to puncture in moments of passion). The corners of the bags are pulled in and tied together inside the bag so that the whole thing resembles Speedo shorts without the leg holes, after which the bag is filled with hot water, tied off, and positioned properly on the bunk (preferably your cellie's, if he's not home). Add rolled-up blankets to simulate the torso and legs and supply support, and you're ready to slip it to her. It is reported that

baby oil works well as a lubricant; a dab of hand lotion with the baby oil is supposed to be even more habit forming.

Toilet-Paper “Bombs”

To make these, wrap about twelve to fifteen passes of toilet paper around your hand. (Keep them loose.) Double it over in the middle. Toilet-paper bombs burn very fast and hot due to the center opening. As each bomb starts burning out, pitch it in the toilet and immediately reposition and light the next bomb. Setting the toilet-paper bomb on a piece of damp cloth facilitates moving it to the toilet after use, allowing another bomb to be set in place quickly. Using two to three is a fast but messy way to make a piping-hot melted-cheese sandwich.

SEE ALSO: Inventions; Prisoners; Recreation

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