Weekly Review

By Theodore Ross

In Iraq, armed men believed to be working for the Ministry of Defense kidnapped an Iranian diplomat, a car bomb killed at least 33 policemen, a political officer affiliated with the Mahdi Army was assassinated, and in Sadr City, Baghdad's largest Shiite slum, conditions were much improved following the input of $41 million in reconstruction funds.^{1 2 3 4} A mistrial was declared in the court-martial of Lieutenant Ehren K. Watada, the first American military officer to refuse to deploy to Iraq,. ⁵ and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates dismissed Vladimir Putin's criticisms of U.S. foreign policy as the “blunt speaking” habits of “old spies.”⁶ Indonesia, the worldwide leader in avian flu, reportedly entered negotiations to sell the deadly virus to an American vaccine company.⁷ French Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy publicly advocated “an excess of caricatures” depicting the Islamic prophet Muhammad. ⁸ Zimbabwe outlawed inflation,⁹ and Nigerian rebel leader Major General Tamuno announced that an upcoming offensive dubbed “Operation Black Locust” would “take lives,” “destroy lives,” and “crumble the economy.”¹⁰ Pro-Taliban militants in northern Pakistan killed two suspected U.S. collaborators,¹¹ and in Israel, the streets of Old Jerusalem “ran slick with pulped oranges and tomatoes” as Palestinian protesters and Israeli police officers battled one another.¹² Al Gore accused the Bush Administration of paying bribes to scientists willing to dispute global warming,¹³ a spokesperson for the Chinese government said the West bore an “unshirkable responsibility” for climate change,¹⁴ and just 13 percent of Republican congressmen believed humans caused global warming.¹⁵ Unusually cold weather in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, forced some local residents to wear socks.¹⁶

In a scenario that psychiatry professor Michael Stone called “unique in the annals of female crime,” U.S. astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested after she drove 900 miles to attempt to kidnap a woman she believed was romantically involved with a male space colleague. Dr. Keith Ablow, another psychiatrist, theorized that Nowak, who when taken into custody was wearing a diaper and was in possession of a BB gun, pepper spray, garbage bags, and rubber tubing, may very well have “unresolved issues.”^{17 18 19} Reverend Ted Haggard declared himself “completely heterosexual,”²⁰ and Rudy Giuliani officially declared his candidacy for the presidency of the United States. ²¹ Donatella Versace told Hillary Clinton to stop wearing pants.²² In Washington state, proponents of same-sex marriage pursued legislation that would annul all connubial unions still barren after three years,²³ and Austrian federal police uncovered a child pornography ring involving 2,360 suspects in more than 77 countries.²⁴ A “fascist climate” settled over parts of Italy as soccer fans were banned from local stadiums.²⁵ Keith Urban, a country singer, sued Keith Urban, a painter, after the latter Urban registered the Internet domain name keithurban.com “with the intent of producing confusion.”²⁶ A New York state senator was considering legislation to fine anyone caught crossing the street while listening to an iPod,²⁷ a Philadelphia city councilman proposed the adoption of rubber sidewalks,²⁸ and U.S. Representative Joe Baca denied calling a congressional colleague a “whore.”²⁹ Sinkholes were endangering the nation's roads.³⁰ A study conducted at the University of Chicago found that 14 percent of American doctors thought it was morally acceptable to lie to their patients about treatment options.³¹ In Texas, elementary school children were increasingly becoming addicted to “cheese,” a potentially lethal combination of heroin and Tylenol PM. “Any child anywhere can afford a hit of cheese,” said a detective. “It's just horrific.”³² A British Muslim high school was under criticism for using textbooks that depicted Jews as apes and Christians as pigs and predicted that all non-believers would be condemned to hellfire.³³ Remote-controlled “zombie computers” attacked three of the world's largest Internet servers,³⁴ and Arthur Sulzberger, publisher of the New York Times, said he wasn't sure if the paper would still be printed in five years. “And you know what?” Sulzberger added. “I don't care.”³⁵

In Los Angeles, the Canoga Park Alabama was named the city's most dangerous street gang, ³⁶ and a 40-pound boar married a 24-pound sow in Ilan, Taiwan. “They will live happily ever after,” said Hsu Wen-chuan, owner of the two swine.³⁷ Nearly invisible meteors may have been detected in the skies above Winston-Salem, North Carolina.³⁸ Organized dog fighting was increasingly popular throughout central Russia. Stanislav Mikhailov, president of the All-Russian Association of Russian Volkodavs (“wolf-killers”) said, “Only people who have not seen it, and do not understand it, dislike this.” ³⁹ Burqini-clad female lifeguards were patrolling the public beaches of Sydney, Australia.⁴⁰ Catholic League president William Donohue railed against “incendiary,” “inflammatory,” and “scurrilous” bloggers,⁴¹ and “farcical, saucy, and somewhat tragic, man-breasts” were deemed ideal “fodder” for the British tabloid media.⁴² Congressman Gary Ackerman insisted that it would take little more than a “platoon of lesbians” to chase the U.S. military out of Baghdad,. ⁴³ and biological anthropologists speculated that male chimps living in communal “free love” simian societies attempt to control the sexuality of their female partners by beating them.⁴⁴ Anna Nicole Smith dropped dead on the floor of a casino hotel in Hollywood, Florida. ⁴⁵