Weekly Review

By Miriam Markowitz

The Cloaca Maxima, 1872

Iran criticized Australia, Bahrain, Britain, France, Italy, and the United States for carrying out a practice naval exercise in the Persian Gulf, then announced ten days of “Great Prophet II” war games.^{1 2} The International Atomic Energy Agency said that it has been approached by at least six Arab countries interested in developing their own nuclear programs,³ and the U.S. government shut down its “Operation Iraqi Freedom Document Portal” website after the New York Times pointed out that it contained instructions for building an atomic bomb. “It's a cookbook,” explained a senior diplomat in Europe.⁴ Iran began offering cash incentives in a program designed to bring in more foreign tourists; travel agents will receive $20 for every Western vacationer but only $10 per Asian.⁵ The White House announced that there is mounting evidence that Iran and Syria are conspiring with Hezbollah to overthrow the government of Lebanon. ⁶ Two of the suspects arrested in Britain in August for plotting to blow up U.S.-bound airplanes were released due to insufficient proof,^{7 8} and Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death by hanging.⁹ A leaked “Index of Civil Conflict” from Central Command in Iraq indicated that the country is sliding from the green zone of “Peace” towards a red zone marked “Chaos.”¹⁰ U.S. Army personnel were accused of telling potential recruits that the war was over, ¹¹ and John Kerry apologized for implying that American soldiers in Iraq are stupid.¹²

Republicans were “glum” as the party prepared to lose at least fifteen seats in the House of Representatives. ¹³ Machines used for early voting began to malfunction in Florida,. ¹⁴ Tennessee G.O.P. officals claimed smart cards were missing from a Memphis polling place,¹⁵ and a paper-shredding service truck was seen approaching the Cheney compound at the Naval Observatory in Washington, D.C.¹⁶ The Homeland Security website texasborderwatch.com began broadcasting live footage of the United States - Mexico border.¹⁷ St. Louis was named America's most dangerous city. “You made my day!” said Mayor Gwendolyn Faison of Camden, New Jersey, which was formerly ranked most dangerous. “There's a new hope and a new spirit.”¹⁸ Bangalore, the high-tech capital of India, renamed itself “Bengalooru,” to more closely resemble the city's medieval name, “Bendakalooru,” or “town of boiled beans.”¹⁹ Corn farmers in the Midwest were resisting bids for their ethanol plants by Wall Street firms;²⁰ scientists claimed that at the current rate of consumption, global sea food supplies will be obliterated by the year 2048;²¹ and the World Meteorological Organisation said that the level of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere had hit a record high.²² Channel 4, Britain's second largest television network, announced that Google's U.K. advertising revenues would outstrip the broadcaster's own by some hundred million pounds this year. “People need to wake up and realize that this is not just a cyclical issue,” said the network's chief executive. “There is deep structural change, rather like global warming.”²³ Due to the Lebanon war, Israel was facing an eight-fold increase in the cost of marijuana.²⁴

Australia announced plans to detain up to 1,200 deadbeat moms and dads at airports during the upcoming holiday season,²⁵ and the United States said it would fund millions of dollars' worth of abstinence-only sexual education for adults.²⁶ In Beijing, volunteers giving out free hugs were detained by police. “Embracing is a foreign tradition,” said one citizen. “Chinese are not accustomed to this.”²⁷ Japanese law enforcement arrested a fetishist who had filled a warehouse with 5,000 pairs of stolen children's shoes,²⁸ and in South Korea, where miniskirts will soon be legalized, police have begun using “cyber terror units” to curb the rise of online bullying by the mob.^{29 30} In Aurora, Colorado, chubby girls robbed younger children of their trick-or-treating candy,³¹ and a New Hampshire orthodontist bought back local kids' spoils for two dollars per pound.³² Grieving Maya in Mexico exhumed the bodies of their beloved in order to clean them;³³ a French newspaper declared the death of Halloween.³⁴ Rising floodwaters trapped a herd of 100 horses on a Netherlands islet,³⁵ a cache of unsent letters to God was found off the Atlantic City shore,³⁶ and researchers in Japan captured a dolphin with legs.³⁷