Weekly Review

By Paul Ford

A Christian martyr.

In Minnesota, an overweight loner Chippewa neo-Nazi goth teenager shot and killed his grandfather and his grandfather's girlfriend, then went to his high school and shot and killed a security guard, five students, a teacher, and himself.¹ The National Rifle Association suggested that such rampages could be stopped if teachers armed themselves.² Foghat's guitarist died,³ and Florida lawmakers were considering an Academic Freedom Bill of Rights, intended to stamp out “leftist totalitarianism,” that would allow students to sue teachers who insist that evolution is factual.⁴ Several IMAX theaters in the American South decided not to show a film about volcanoes because it might offend Christians,⁵ and a study found that the stealing habits of rhesus monkeys are similar to those of humans.⁶ Ozzy Osbourne said that in times of loneliness he talks to his knees,⁷ and John Edwards was studying poverty.⁸ The Pentagon refused to let a soldier's mother photograph her dead son's casket as it returned from Iraq.⁹ It was reported that when American soldiers in Iraq shot at the car of Giuliana Sgrena, an Italian hostage who had just been released, they shot from behind, without warning, far from any checkpoint, and within the Green Zone.¹⁰ The Iraqi military announced that a seventeen-hour operation against an Iraqi insurgent training camp had resulted in eighty-five deaths.¹¹ Other Iraqi officials placed the toll at forty.¹² There are two thousand attacks by insurgents every month in Iraq,¹³ and as many as five thousand Iraqis have been kidnapped in the last eighteen months.¹⁴

Terri Schiavo, a brain-dead woman in Florida, was still alive.¹⁵ The Supreme Court refused to hear a case brought by Schiavo's parents to force the reinsertion of Schiavo's feeding tube.¹⁶ Outside of Schiavo's hospice, protesters knelt in anguished prayer; many wore red tape across their mouths with the word “life” written on the tape. Disabled protesters cast themselves from their wheelchairs onto the driveway, shouting.¹⁷ Schiavo's parents asked the protesters to go home.¹⁸ A NorthCarolina man was arrested for trying to have both Schiavo's husband and the judge who denied the request to reinsert Schiavo's feeding tube killed,¹⁹ and a man who wanted to “rescue” Schiavo was arrested for attempting to steal a gun from a Florida gun shop.²⁰ Senator Bill Frist--a doctor who as a Harvard medical student adopted pound cats as pets, then killed them to practice his surgical technique--diagnosed Schiavo from afar, suggesting that her condition could improve,²¹ and it was discovered that Tom DeLay permitted his brain-dead father to be taken off life support in 1988, even though his father lacked a living will.²² Most of America thought Congress should shut up about Terri Schiavo.²³ Only 17 percent of large- and medium-sized employers were fully covering the cost of their employees' health premiums.²⁴ Russian doctors grew a penis on a man's arm,²⁵ and a California woman, eating chili at a Wendy's restaurant, bit into a human finger. The finger had a manicured nail.²⁶ A ten-year-old Vermont boy won a national smelly-sneaker contest. "The stank,” he said, “was from rubbing my toes back and forth and making them sweaty.”²⁷ The president of Kyrgyzstan fled the country.²⁸ Jimmy Carter and James Baker were picked to lead a bipartisan commission on American electoral reform. Carter vowed to “make Americans proud again.”²⁹ President George W. Bush's approval rating was at 45 percent, the lowest of his presidency; only 32 percent of those polled thought that economic conditions were good or excellent.³⁰ Less than half of Americans supported the President's plan for Social Security,³¹ and a thirteen-year-old Arizona girl threw an egg at the president's motorcade. She was arrested.³² Fifteen people died in an explosion at a BP oil refinery in Texas.³³ The United States approved the sale of U.S. F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan, upsetting India. The United States was also planning to sell fighter jets to India.³⁴ Venezuela ordered 100,000 assault rifles from Russia; Donald Rumsfeld said that was too many.³⁵ The Department of Homeland Security announced that the department had “misinformed” the public about copying the records of 12 million passengers on America West, American Airlines, Continental, Delta, Frontier, and JetBlue.³⁶ George W. Bush was showing the world his frisky, impishly fun side, telling a Belgian television correspondent that she had “great eyes,” and rubbing bald heads for luck.^{37 38} There was an outbreak of avian flu in North Korea,³⁹ and scientists found that some species of octopus can walk on two arms.⁴⁰

Western Christians celebrated Easter. In the Philippines, fourteen men were crucified, one for the nineteenth time.⁴¹ At a mall in Michigan, a twelve-year-old boy punched the Easter bunny in the nose,⁴² and a priest dripped some wine onto Terri Schiavo's tongue.⁴³ Seventy-eight percent of Americans believe that Christ rose from the dead,⁴⁴ and two planets, HD 209458b and TrES-1, were discovered near different stars.⁴⁵ New Yorkers were bothered by the delays in their subway service, which are often announced via old, half-broken loudspeakers making pronouncements like: "Ladies and gentlemen, because of a brflig fraptail at 116th Street, the uptown 6 train will frip deet brak croob.”⁴⁶ An Ohio judge threw out domestic violence charges brought by a woman against her live-in boyfriend, who slapped and pushed her, because Ohio's anti-gay-marriage law prohibits state or local government from enforcing laws that “create or recognize a legal status of unmarried individuals.”⁴⁷ Ken Mehlman, chair of the Republican National Committee, once again avoided saying that he is gay,⁴⁸ and Anita Bryant was still alive.⁴⁹ Israel was preparing to attack Iran's nuclear facilities with helicopters, guns, and dogs,⁵⁰ and Mexican hit men were found to have dissolved their enemies in acid.⁵¹ The pope was speechless.⁵² Starbucks came to Guantánamo Bay,⁵³ Ugandans marched against Bob Geldof,⁵⁴ and a naked man chased seagulls across a Mississippi beach.⁵⁵