Weekly Review

By Theodore Ross

George Bush delivered his State of the Union address.¹ He said the country was "confident and strong,"² then announced he would reduce or eliminate 150 government programs.³ He called Social Security "a symbol of the trust between generations," then discussed proposals for the reduction of its benefits and an increase in the retirement age.⁴ He suggested that his tax cuts be enshrined in perpetuity⁵ and that "the spending appetite" of the federal government should be restrained.⁶ He said he would "confront" Middle Eastern nations in the name of peace,⁷ but insisted the United States had "no right, no desire, and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else."⁸ Bush described marriage as "a sacred institution and the foundation of society,"⁹ but he failed to mention the mayor of New Paltz, New York, who stands accused of 27 counts of marrying gay people.¹⁰ Alberto Gonzales was confirmed as attorney general, and Senator Arlen Specter described him as a man who had made it "up from the bootstraps without even boots." Another senator dismissed accusations of Gonzales's condoning torture as "exaggerated."¹¹ The King of Nepal said he was a proponent of multiparty democracy, then fired the government, sent troops to the house of the Prime Minister, and assumed direct ruling authority.¹² Cambodian opposition leaders were stripped of their parliamentary immunity and fled the country.¹³ John Kerry claimed that Osama bin Laden cost him the presidential election,¹⁴ and Howard Dean admitted that he hates Republicans.^{15 16} Shiites claimed victory in the Iraqi election,¹⁷ the Association of Sunni Scholars declared the vote illegitimate,¹⁸ and election officials confirmed that although Saddam Hussein was eligible to vote, he didn't.¹⁹ Iraq's president called the notion of a U.S. troop withdrawal "complete nonsense,"²⁰ and President Bush said that U.S. soldiers were "unrelenting in battle, unwavering in loyalty, unmatched in honor and decency, and every day they are making our nation more secure."²¹ He also put the value of their death in combat at about $100,000.²²

Condoleezza Rice insisted that attacking Iran was not on the U.S. agenda "at this point."²³ Israeli and Palestinian leaders agreed to attend a peace summit in Egypt,²⁴ and Hamas threatened "all-out martyrdom attacks" if raids and killings in the occupied territories did not stop.²⁵ Darfur's violence and mass killings failed to qualify as genocide, according to a U.N. commission,²⁶ and South Korea downgraded North Korea from "main enemy" to "military threat."²⁷ The Irish Republican Army denied that it robbed banks, then said that it was no longer interested in disarming.²⁸ Secretary of Homeland Security nominee Michael Chertoff said the government could not "protect everything, everywhere, every time," and that he needed a staff member who "really understands computers."²⁹ Scientists determined that sunlight helps fight cancer,³⁰ that barbecue causes it,³¹ that overweight people have a stronger biological need to sit than others do, and³² that rats are responsible beer drinkers.³³ Picking up women was outlawed in Costa Rica.³⁴ The telecommunications industry had merger fever,³⁵ and the Pope caught the flu and was hospitalized.³⁶ Cable provider Adelphia entered the age of pornography,³⁷ and the Nashville police paid informants $120,000 to have sexual encounters with prostitutes.³⁸ Convicted murderer Michael Ross withdrew his offer to "volunteer" to allow Connecticut to execute him,³⁹ and a man and woman were arrested for beating, chaining, starving, and pulling out the fingernails of five children.⁴⁰ Laura Bush explained that she likes fashion because it's fun.⁴¹ Sgt. Javal Davis, a former Abu Ghraib prison guard, pled guilty to charges of battery and dereliction of duty,⁴² two British terrorism detainees chose to remain in prison rather than accept house arrest,⁴³ and a U.S. judge ruled that foreigners held in Guantánamo Bay had the right to challenge their detainment.⁴⁴ Donald Rumsfeld had a clear conscience.⁴⁵

Evolution was not being taught in many U.S. high schools,⁴⁶ and teenagers in Texas were having more sex, a survey found.⁴⁷ Investing in Google was a good move.⁴⁸ Investing in Russian oil companies was not.⁴⁹ Thirty-year-old actor Leonardo DiCaprio accepted a lifetime achievement award,⁵⁰ and rapper Calvin "Snoop Dogg" Broadus was accused of sexual assault.⁵¹ A Marine general described the pleasures of shooting Afghan men,⁵² and a gas leak killed the prime minister of Georgia.⁵³ Good relations with Halliburton were more important to the U.S. Army than $2 billion in disputed bills.⁵⁴ Malaysia's Home Ministry gave illegal immigrants one last chance to leave the country before being whipped,⁵⁵ and scientists learned that birds are not dumb.⁵⁶ Sweden was considering raising taxes.⁵⁷ Reporters Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward sold their Watergate reporting notes for $5 million,⁵⁸ and a report showed that the former head of the New York Stock Exchange paid his personal assistant $240,000 a year.⁵⁹ The founder of Habitat For Humanity was fired for sexual harassment,⁶⁰ Richard "Kinky" Friedman announced he would run for governor of Texas,⁶¹ and the selection of a jury of Michael Jackson's peers began.⁶² Frozen urine dropped from the sky in Scotland.⁶³