Weekly Review

By Arno Kopecky

Approximately eight million people turned out to vote in Iraq. International monitors gave the election their seal of approval, though all 129 of them stayed inside Baghdad's Green Zone.¹ Security measures included sealing the country's borders, banning travel between provinces, prohibiting private vehicle traffic, and imposing curfews in cities.² Fake polling stations were set up with snipers positioned to guard the real ones, which were revealed 24 hours before opening. Many of the candidates kept their identities secret until election day, though two had made it known they were direct descendants of the Prophet Mohammed.³ Iraqi insurgents, who had been promising death to anyone who came within five hundred yards of a polling station,⁴ succeeded in carrying out nine suicide bombings, one of which was performed by a handicapped child.⁵ Prominent Sunni leaders who boycotted the election said they would be happy to help the elected National Assembly draft the new constitution.⁶ "Two of the great ironies of history," said President George W. Bush, "is there will be a Palestinian state and a democratic Iraq."⁷ World leaders gathered in Poland to commemorate the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, where Dick Cheney was criticized for wearing a green parka with fur trim instead of the more somber black coats everyone else had on.⁸ Vladimir Putin noted that "as there were no good and bad fascists, there cannot be good and bad terrorists. Any double standards here are absolutely unacceptable and deadly dangerous for civilization."⁹ A group of Russian legislators demanded that Jewish organizations be investigated, and possibly closed down, for carrying out ritual killings and hate crimes against themselves.¹⁰ Commercial flights opened between China and Taiwan for the first time in 55 years,¹¹ and the government of Nepal shut down the Dalai Lama's offices in Kathmandu.¹² More than 250 people were trampled or burned to death during a Hindu festival in western India when a stampeding riot was triggered by pilgrims slipping on spilled coconut milk.¹³ China overtook the United States as Japan's biggest trading partner,¹⁴ and scientists discovered that drinking green tea turns mice into better swimmers.¹⁵

An international task force of scientists, politicians, and business leaders warned that the world has about ten years before global warming becomes irreversible. By then, average global temperatures will have risen two degrees Celsius since the start of the Industrial Revolution, resulting in major droughts, increased disease, and the termination of the North Atlantic Gulf Stream.¹⁶ Meteorologists were forecasting record thinning of northern Europe's ozone layer in the coming weeks,¹⁷ and astronomers concluded that Saturn's largest moon had all the ingredients for life.¹⁸ Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist declared that biological warfare is "the greatest existential threat we face today."¹⁹ The world's first mad goat was diagnosed in France.²⁰ At the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, Tony Blair and Bill Gates shared the stage with Bono and Bill Clinton and called for more aid to Africa.²¹ Sharon Stone raised a million dollars for mosquito nets,²² and a special dinner was organized to promote dialogue between the U.S. and Iran; the idea backfired when Senator Joseph Biden, the American representative, showed up an hour and a half late, and wine was served to the Muslim guests.²³ Scientists solved the mystery of the Venus Flytrap.²⁴ Swaziland's King Mswati chose his thirteenth wife and sent her to South Africa for an AIDS test.²⁵ Researchers found that fidgety people are less likely to be obese,²⁶ police in Rome were cracking down on unlicensed tour guides,²⁷ and Joseph Massino, the "Last Don" of New York, snitched on the mob.²⁸

President Bush ordered his cabinet to stop paying off journalists after syndicated columnist Maggie Gallagher admitted she had a $21,500 contract with the Health and Human Services Department to endorse the agency's marriage initiative.²⁹ Two days later, another columnist admitted he'd been paid $10,000 for the same purpose.³⁰ Scientists synthesized a pheromone produced by young women that helps post-menopausal ladies attract men.³¹ Social Security Administration workers testified that they had been ordered "to promote the idea that Social Security is in crisis and that Social Security privatization is the answer."³² Christian groups were threatening to withdraw their support from any privatization scheme whatsoever unless Bush tries harder to ban gay marriage,³³ and chimpanzees were found to have a sense of fair play.³⁴ Condoleezza Rice was sworn in as secretary of state, despite Senator Mark Dayton's objection during her confirmation hearing that "I really don't like being lied to repeatedly, flagrantly, intentionally."³⁵ The Justice Department threw a going away party for John Ashcroft. His term in office, said one assistant, "served as a full employment program for cartoonists and pundits."³⁶ The Bush Administration requested an additional $80 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan this year,³⁷ totaling 13 times the Environmental Protection Agency's allotment,³⁸ and making the 2005 budget deficit the biggest in history.³⁹ The State Department offended Mexico by issuing a travel warning along the border;⁴⁰ U.S. Ambassador Tony Garza tried to ease tensions by clarifying that "the wave of border violence is a result of successful efforts by President Fox's administration in the fight against organized crime."⁴¹ The Sudanese government dropped bombs on women and children in Darfur,⁴² and the European Union reestablished diplomatic ties with Sudan for the first time since 1990.⁴³ Commercial airlines were told they should be worrying about shoulder-fired missile attacks,⁴⁴ Human Rights Watch declared meatpacking to be "the most dangerous factory job in America,"⁴⁵ and Ringo Starr was planning to become a cartoon superhero.⁴⁶